Can a person lose their salvation??

Looking at it from various perspectives.. You have to consider where you are at when considering this. From a human point of view, you have ‘free will’ and choose daily whom you will serve, whether it be yourself, others, others with a motive[selfish reasons] , others out of love or concern. There is a way that seems right to a man… so we are told that even a ‘bad father’ can give good things to his children, With that said, you meet people who may not believe in God, yet are humanly generous & decent.

When thinking from a worldly perspective you may find a mental argument considering that if there is a God, that it would be most unfair of Him to condemn such ‘nice’ people to an eternal hell…or that ‘if there is a God in Heaven, so and so would have to be an angel…and so on when referring to a deceased loved one and not having any knowledge of the Holy One.

Then you have those who claim to ‘believe in God’ and may have been brought up in a certain culture or religion, follow all the pre-set rules and behave accordingly, outwardly~ yet their actions, demonstrate they are only holding a form of religion while denying its power by their very daily actions…Example a ‘slum lord’ that through greed causes human suffering yet may be a pillar in his so called church…Or perhaps a person who knows there is a God but limits his service to God to what is self serving at the same time.. sharing the throne as he is ruled by his own wicked heart and not trying to learn what is pleasing to the Father, rather trying to pay his way in…Ex. Mafia killer who donates heavily to a church…[extreme example I know but made for a point]

Then you have a person, who knows there is something bigger than himself out there [God has put eternity into the hearts of men..] that may not belong to any set religion, but almost instinctively chooses to do good for others and will often put him/herself at a disadvantage by choosing to do what is best for someone else, whether it be family or stranger…Such a person would be like the Good Samaritan, perhaps, that cares for the needs of others. There are all sorts of people out there and they have all sorts of things going on inside them that motivates their actions.

 WE are told not to judge by appearances, since we can not always discern another’s motives..That is why the Holy Spirit searches the hearts and minds of men….Often the person who truly serves God by his/her selflessness, may be obscure in the crowd and the person you would least expect.. That is why the Jews didnt receive Jesus.. They expected an omnipotent leader to emerge as a king and destroy their oppressors…but that wasnt how he came and he was for the most part rejected, a man of sorrows , aquainted with grief, while still doing miracles that drew attention to his cause in demonstrating how we should seek the Father and how to please Him, culminating in his sacrifice on the cross…

We too must pick up our cross daily… and if we are prospering on earth for what we do for God, doesn’t that make us like a hireling, since we might care more for the outward show and glory here instead of heaping up our rewards in heaven? So what must a man do to be saved and can we lose our salvation? Since the heart of man is deceitful, desperate to be corrupt, we are challenged daily by our circumstances to choose whom we will serve and how we are to justify our own actions.

We tend to blow it and make wrong choices, if not everyday, at least at times that will plainly reveal that we are in sin and not perfectly behaving within the will of God. The Jews had it all written down, just needed to obey, as to what God wants and yet even with the blessings they received, they were not content and sought after the Baals and subsequently were punished for many centuries..

The example shows us that we can be chosen by God , yet still chastized when we do wrong and sometimes die in our sins..After all when going by the Law, guilty of one is the same as being guilty of all…All have fallen short of the glory of God. The Spirit of Antichrist has been around from the beginning~ beguiling Even & Adam in the Garden all the way down to every person ever born…Satan is evil and infects mankind by whispering into our ears and offering foul solutions to life that will not please God.

Funny that human anatomy gives us two ears…not that either is good of bad, but that there is two…like the choices we get- choose daily , right or wrong…and we get two eyes..seeing a choice in everything we come across.. dark or light, good or bad… BUT we get one mouth..and out of the mouth comes the culmination of what we think…out of the mouth the abundance of the heart speaks.. We are given one heart– cant serve two masters- love one, hate the other.. WE are given one stomache that digests whatever we put into it, although some things nourish, while others make us sick… WE are wonderfully made! Still we are housed in one body while on earth and when one part of the body suffers, the entire body suffers, so becoming of sound mind means certain criteria we have to establish in our own hearts and adhere to..

Do not be double minded as such receive no blessings from God. Take every thought captive, holding fast to that which is good- Learning to please the Father. To be greatest of all when reaching heaven, become a servant of all here on earth, laying down life for a friend and putting the needs of others before your own.

Commit your way to the Lord and your plan will be established. Choose this day whom you will serve. Today is the day of salvation, as the Holy Spirit draws you into the presence of God, surrender your unbridled will to Him and taste and see that the Lord is good. Man makes alot of mistakes during his life time since now we only see in part, but it is promised that later we shall see fully and understand… Jesus is the rock of our salvation.

What does that mean to you? Are mere words a plan for war? Will wickedness deliver those who are given to it? How can you become firm in faith and be assured of your eternal reward? What tightrope must you walk if any, to be assured of the mercy of God?

JESUS~ He came to show us the WAY but many dont look at all that really involves. Most can plainly see that as a man he did good deeds and some miracles and allowed himself to be martyred for the cause, so to speak. Even demons believe~!

 But what was it that made Him so special to be called the Messiah or only begotten Son of God… I mean, humanly speaking some called him a drunkard and He even demonstrated anger and violence when He chased the money changers out of the temple…So what is it about Jesus that makes anyone choose to follow Him and at what capacity? Are they mimicking a good man and have a masochistic streak that makes them want to be martyred? Even religions professing other dieties do as much , like a buddhist monk set afire to make some point…

What is it about Jesus that sets Him apart from all the others out there , like Mohamad or Buddha?You need first to be convinced in your own mind but it can be argued that Muslims and Buddhists[and others] are similarly persuaded to lay down their lives for their beliefs~

Nimrod was a mighty king in Babylon and he persuaded the known world to follow him to the point of total unity~! People saw him as right when he shot the arrow into the heavens to snot the real God and show he can do as he pleased. No wonder God didn’t destroy mankind, rather He scattered their speech so they could no longer fellowship in wrong in unity but were dispersed…and why?

Another  reason is 1/3 of the heavenly host were cast down to earth and these wandering spirits have thoughts that oppose God so they will be separated from Him eternally into a place where they can enjoy their thoughts which are evil and cause suffering. They are spirits and know alot more about the spirit world and have been observing and manipulating mankind from the beginning .

Not satisfied with the judgement they received in being cast out of heaven, they seek to cull out all from God’s creation that embrace such thoughts..

They didnt create mankind. They know God did create mankind for His glory and they HATE God, so they want to destroy anything of God’s while they are loose and wandering so they plot evil and plant it into the thoughts of the minds of men.

Starting at birth, they whisper thoughts into man’s mind , right alongside the blessed and good thoughts that also are being placed for consideration into man’s mind. Mischief is bound up [trapped] into the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline [thy rod and staff comfort me] will drive it far from them…[Train up a child in the way that they should go and when they are old they will not depart from it]

They even infect into man’s mind, ways to twist the scriptures and cause child abuse, by the lack of knowledge people possess when reading scriptures. They twist the scriptures to make God seem unfair or harsh, when in reality He is Love…real  love. The evil  ones, tell a man’s mind that you must ‘beat’ a child, when God’s rod and staff comfort us, try telling a child who is beat with a rod that it is of any comfort!!

Not to say we aren’t to be chastized or that a child should never be spanked, but the object of a painful punishment is to challenge the thoughts of the child to seek better choices, godly ones.. not to foster contempt and future revenge on others, but repentence from the misdeed and a clearer choice to want the rewards of doing what is right.

Spiritually we get spanked when as children of God we do wrong, but never with His intention to do us harm, rather His plans for us are always GOOD.

God is good. God is Love. God is willing that none should perish.. God wants all to come to repentence.[that is to choose right..His ways.. over wrong.. the devils ways] Devils will eventually be thrown into a prison – lake of fire- that they can continue living in but can no longer recruit follwers to…

We are here on this earth for a temporary amount of time, in bodies that are corruptible and will die.The spirit of the soul placed within our beings is eternal but will be judged by the choices it makes that are planted within our hearts and minds.It is a war within our minds to choose each day whom we will serve.

Since man tends to judge by outward appearances, is visual as some say, it is often negated or ignored that there is a spiritual world or dimension out there that we belong to, since we dont see it readily, nor do we know our own personal futures as we are trapped into the cares of the world around us, needing food, shelter and clothing and to do things that we can obtain such with.

Evil spirits readily speak to our minds continually, suggesting ways in which we can make this world our home and that the afterlife means little, so that we then tend to make ourselves as our own gods and stray away from seeking the Holy One who has another place prepared for us that is in eternal glory.

Such evil spirits, when allowed to influence a man’s mind continually, will bring about an imbalance in the man’s ability to make choices as confusion and chaos siege a man’s mind. At such a place of being so infected with wrong, the man becomes mentally imbalanced, runs on emotions and can become a mental patient. This is spiritual oppression.

If that continues to where a man then acts on such oppressive thoughts to where they control his mind  with such manipulation that the man loses his sense of free will, the person can become possessed by  those spirits and wreak havoc in the  lives of others and become a destroyer or murderer.

The Holy Spirit is departed from such a person, as they reject all that is good and holy . Such a person still can be delivered and spared by God, so there is hope for all who worry about their own salvation.. which  may be why we are told to work out our salvation with fear[of displesing God] and trembling.[knowing it is only by His grace we are saved and not by our works, lest any man should boast!]

We can not see it or comprehend what God has prepared for those that …love…Him… So how do we love Him? How do we know what He wants? How do we serve Him? How can we be sure of what we are doing and if it is right or wrong or if it will prosper us to endure to the end and thus be saved from it all?

The righteous can fall 7 times but the wicked only once.. so we know there is room for error on our part, but as for the cursed, their future is secure in that they know they are going to hell and have nothing to gain by repentence, so in their evil thoughts seek to take along as many as they can to go into that eternal damnation…

[Woe to you Destroyer, you who have not been destroyed, when you cease to destroy, you will be destroyed..]

The Holy Spirit of God is in total unity with God. The devil is the author of confusion and chaos. God is peace . The devil is not, nor are his followers who will bite and devour one another and any they can prey into, like lions culling out a flock.. ripping them apart and eating them…

But to all who received Him, who believed in His name, He gave POWER to become children of God.

Those who do not have any love for the Truth or God could care less about salvation or eternity.

Such are narcissists and sociopaths that have NO conscience. Hard to imagine such people, but they do exist! Murderers such as serial killers and dictators who oppress their people and have little regard for human life of those they hate .{ex.Hitler & Jews]

Such serve only themselves and feign concern for others , only as they can profit by them or off them. Such people can kill with no remorse and are known even to non believers as evil and dangerous.

They are those who willingly destroy and kill for any agenda that they embrace[ such as terrorists and suicide bombers] Those who possess a conscience that leans towards doing good and are concerned over right and wrong as the lost who need to be found and they are the ones one might say are ‘predestined’ to be saved as the Father gave such to the Son.

[ All that the Father gives me WILL come to Me and him who comes to Me , I will NOT cast out.’] so there is a degree of predestination, but consider the race is not for the swift…

A person can prepare and practice for a race, but still not win there is more involved than just predestination. A long distance runner can go so far and then lose endurance and quit the race, thus never to be crowned a winner… so we can not merely say we are predestined to be saved and going to heaven no matter what..

We have to choose, be committed and do the works that are given us to do.Not that the works are a measurement of our salvation, but that while doing works, we become living epistles and can show others to likewise become aware of the great love the Father has for us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us and we now must pick up the torch and carry on as He did .

 The Holy Spirit puts the desire to do right, into our hearts. We need to listen to the Holy Spirit and choose to serve God. We need to want do do the works He did and as we try and learn what is pleasing to the Father, we must choose to reject what caused us to sin against Him.

We must not be those who lead others astray, nor become instruments of evil in the destruction of mankind. We falter.We get led astray at times. We make wrong choices or react wrongly to circumstances.

When in the Lion’s Den, we may freak out- or- we can stand firm and rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that the one who can destroy our bodies can not destroy our spirit…If anything we should fear only Him who can destroy both body and spirit…

Seeing the heavenly battle, knowing our enemy, not being ignorant of the devil’s devices…how do we know what to do?….By taking heed according to the Word of God that was made flesh and dwelt among us~ Studying the Word ~ not from a humanly beneficial point of view~ but looking for that eternal point of view~ God’s view~

Take every thought in your head  that enters your mind captive! Consider if they are good and will have a good outcome and what your motives are in embracing such thoughts.

Do not be double minded…How? Dwell on whatever is good, holy and acceptable and so on..

Put on the whole armour of God, that is to choose to follow Him, not religion [as religion is full of evil deceiving spirits, a haunt of demons~] but become assured in His promises.

He is faithful when we are not!!.. His ways are not our ways~!!… Samson was a loser to his custom tailored devil Delilah~ he was imprisoned, treading out the grain on a chain…yet when you might have counted him out of the race….he was able to do more service to God at his death than in all his life!.. so dont get discouraged by what you may have already done. Spilled water can not be gathered up again by man.. only by act of God…

That sinner on the cross, beside Jesus, admitted he deserved death according to all he had done in his own life, but before his death saw the glory of God in Jesus and that Jesus was innocent , so he testified to the more evil man on the other cross to stop mocking God through Jesus…

That man was forgiven eternally and rewarded with paradise. Just as Jesus spoke about the workers in the vineyard that some come in at the last hour and are paid the same as those who worked all along…God WILL have mercy on whom He will have mercy.. So we are not to judge by appearances but with RIGHT Judgement… There is only one Judge eternally..That is the one we are to fear and respect… That is the one who seeks our love and loved us before we were even born~!

BE asssured of the Father’s true  love for you.. He was never a cruel taskmaster as the devils would have you think! He loves you and wants you to love Him and He is able to hold you up in the hour of your greatest trial. Before you even enter into trials and temptations.

He already has prepared a way for you to escape the wrath to come…Jesus said His yoke was easy. A yoke is your burden, what you carry with you through life, whether in bondage like Samson or in peril like Job ~ it is custom tailored to clean out the impurities buried deep within your heart so that like dross being fired out of the silver, makes the silver pure, it is then fashionable into a vessel fit for honor..

That honor is eternal life with Jesus~ You are saved. It can be coined to be predestined, by those who can’t touch your spirit.That is the demons who influence your thoughts with hate that they can not destroy your eternal spirit and that God is upholding you in this life.

You are saved and no one can snatch you out of HIS hand…but the evil thoughts of demons may suggest for your pollution that you can do as you please which equals embracing their foul thoughts and leading you back into sin..

Each one is lured and enticed by their own desire[ the part of your mind that considers some earthly profit and momentary pleasures that displease God] that when conceived[ that is taken into account and decided on within your mind, to embrace and become one with= spiritual fornication= choosing what God said not to] gives birth to Sin[ which , when full grown[becomes your nature] brings for death[because you chose not to follow the Holy One but instead followed the lusts[enticements] of your own heart.

To be such a person, means you reject what God would have you do and willfully choose to do wrong. A person who willfully chooses to do wrong, without conscience, does not even care what God wants.

Such a person has a seered conscience and has rejected the Holy Spirit~ blasphemied in the sence of not listening to or yielding to what is right and noble in God’s way~ and a child of God, does not behave this way. As such the child of God does not sin.[1Jn3:6] but is remorseful and repents from such sins and then goes on in the race to endure to the end.

 The devils would remain as the accuser of the brethren, heaping guilt and self condemnation and other negative oppressing thoughts, to cause you to embrace own and give up on the mercy of God.That is their job~ to bring about your destruction.

 They are liars from the father of lies- satan- and will never tell you the truth, but are there to torment you into despair and doubt. They wiull encourage you to do evil things that do not please God. They seek to delude and deceive you. Look how such devils convince a godless people to become terrorists and suicide bombers, how their god  is nothing  more than an angel of light masquerading as god, giving them a form of  religion…  one of hate, revenge, power and elitism! You know who they are!

Doubt entering your mind is thought that comes from an evil spirit and a person who yields to Doubt will be led into captivity.

There are spirits , biblically known as Legion[for we are many they boast] with many traits, custom tailored to lure and entice you out of the way to bring you to ruin.

Not to say God can’t save you from them, but they can cause you to detour and take a harder path in life that is less glorifying to your Heavenly Father…

Remember those who lead many to righteousness will shine like the stars in heaven~! Heaping up spiritual rewards is what we are to be seeking to do…trying to please the Father…while our tormentors try earnestly to put our lights out and discredit and ruin us, trying to make fools out of us.

WE dont want to be those who are ashamed when judgement comes, not that we wont be saved, but that we will see all the time we wasted in idle pursuits where the devil got some browny points in being able to further disrespect God. Even the Prodigal makes it through~ God can save to the uttermost those who come to Him through Jesus…

 When giving into an evil, religious type spirit of despair, doubt or guilt ~ remember that God still loves you~~LOVES~~ not in the human conditional way, but in His way- Jesus is the way~ so REJECT AND RENOUNCE ALL EVIL THOUGHTS THAT CAPTIVATE YOUR HEART AND MIND~ Which is to REPENT- reject evil and commit to do right, according to HIS Word…

You are already empowered to do so through Jesus’ NAME…which is to reckon and decide that He is the way, the truth and the life and no man can come to the Father except by HIM…

Under no other name given among men can a man be saved. He is faithful even when we are not. Jesus once said ” O you faithless generation!’…fully aware of the hold the enemy has on man collectively, so that Jesus came to seek out the lost, individually healing people to demonstrate the power the Father has given to Him..

All power honor and glory belong to Jesus as our Lord and Savior, Mediator between God and Man, Prince of Peace, Lord of Lords~ over all. Never doubt your salvation.Flaunt it!! When the devil inspires doubt, despair or confusion or guilt~ RENOUNCE and REJECT it…

Guilt comes from the devil to bring about surrender and live condemned on earth embracing damnation, calling God a liar in that He cant save you that you are too far gone etc, which in effect is calling God a liar and leads to blasphemy of the Holy Spirit and hell.

Conviction comes from the Holy Spirit to bring about your redemption and to steer you away from the errors of your way…Never to condemn you but to bring you to repentance and into the eternal security of God’s love for you so that you can tell others of the wonderful love of the Father and be his witness.

Its not about works, but then again faith[cornerstone of trusting in Jesus] without works [still in bondage to sin] is dead [ because you cherish iniquity in your heart rather than God- who shares the throne with no one- light cant fellowship with darkness]…So be at peace with your maker, your Lord and Savior, enjoy salvation – your freedom from damnation and don’t let the devil steal your joy as you meet various trials as they only serve to make you stronger and more dedicated in your service to your Creator.

So it is not very easy to lose your salvation, because so long as it is day, the Holy Spirit will continue to draw you back into the light of God’s love and provision for you. If you were among those ‘destined’ for destruction your conscience wouldn’t be tugging at your heart the way it does… 🙂

GBU~! Ave


A Word from the Lord Jesus to whoever will listen……..

Who will hear what has been said?

Who will yield to fulfill My Word?

Who will stand when I bring this test?

Do not lean to the left or to the right!

Do not hide within the pit of shadows~

Come out from the shadows-

Stand before Me and walk!!

Walk in My Light, I am the Way~

Pick up your pace to follow Me.

Look up and behold ~ I make all things new!

The shadows vanish before the brightness of My Light.

Walk into My Light.

Do not stray to the left or to the right.

Follow Me!

Do not delay~

Who is worthy to be My servant?

Who is able to come to Me?

He who doesn’t bend his knee nor wink his eye to the shadows~!

Do not turn to the left or to the right!

Do not turn back into the shadows.

Walk into my light.

I make your path straight and narrow- it’s true-

I gird your loins with strength.

I give you sight to see My path.

I make your lameness vanish.

You hear My praise in your heart.

You hear My Words pass your lips.

You see My works by your hands.

Your labors will not be in vain.

Vanity for all who stray from My Light.

No striving after wind as you follow Me!

Don’t look away-

Who will swing his sword to defend My word?

Who will stand with Me and speak My glory?

Who will carry his brother into the chambers of My court?

Who will take the hand of the blind and say , “This is the way, let’s walk in it, together.”

Carry My brother, shout My arrival as I come & I come soon.

I am coming for you who have not departed from the way, who have not strayed

into the shadows.

Keep looking to the light , My light.

Keep walking on My path. My Way is the only Way.

I will lead you, I protect you.

Do not turn to the left or to the right.

Do not be frightened of what You see along the way

and in the shadows.

I have brought you and paid the price of your passage.

Discard your burdens for I have lifted them.

Let go , let go of your troubles as they will not come with you.

They hinder you from your walk. They draw you back to the shadows.

Do not lean to the left or to the right.

Do not look into the shadows.

Follow Me~! Seek Me~! Look to My Light.

Do not yield to the taunting voices.

Do not call upon the past~

I am the same , today, tomorrow and forever. I know My sheep .

Know me~! Come to Me~!

Take My hand~ Do not resist My Holy Spirit!

Do not delay. Do not wait to bury the dead,

I am alive forevermore. Where I am My servant will be also.

Be with me~

Do not look away- trust in Me.

Hear My voice- Listen to no others~

Shut the door to the shadows.

Let night not overcome you.

I have overcome the shadows……

I have looked into the Light.

I have not strayed from the path.

I have not bowed my knee to trials.

I have run the race and passed the finish……

I know the Way and am showing you, calling you, leading you , guiding you.

I protect you . My angels encamp about you.

Do not listen to the voices of the shadows~…….

Forever Family 1975, Church of Bible Understanding 1976, Ichabod!

j10thumb.jpgAfter seeing some of the other posts I felt prompted me to write this long winded account of my memories from 1975-76 with a little added hindsight and as it unfolded, I saw it needed to be in a post by itself as some of the information I think might be beneficial to the newer members who have joined recently. [Some of this I already shared previously], some I think may help clarify some sentiments of when the transition took place and the deception took over.Some is personal testimony, but it all ties together.

When I joined in April of 1975, I did not see Stewart as the Head but saw Jesus as the Head….I met many who seemed to almost idolize Stewart back then, but I didnt. I already had experienced manipulative con men in my life and didnt meet Stewart for over a month after moving in.

I was already saved for 2 yrs and engaged to be married when I moved in ‘temporarily’ since the Westervelt fellowship on Staten Island had a fire when they were out witnessing and needed help with affording and furnishing a new fellowship…

I offered my house in Midland Beach but it was too small, so I agreed to move in a while with my furniture and money since I had a job, so I meant to only stay a month or two till my wedding that was scheduled for 5/25… I was befriended at work by Barbara Walden.The leader was a bright young man named John Bevilaqua.

I met and liked the Center Leader Dave & his wife JoAnn Rizetto. I used to try to find out how old they were and they would never tell me their ages… Dave would ask me if he told me he wondered if I would listen to him still? I was older than my years even back then since I grew up in a large family [14 kids] and so I was accustomed to large family groups in a house…one of the reasons I liked the FF and moved in.

Jesus was the leader of the early fellowship not Stewart although he appeared to be the physical representation of a leader and worked the fellowship into asking him to be, when you went down the totem pole to the newer members like me that were not of the original 100, but like a next generation, I saw Stewart to be like a bishop or bible teacher.

When I first met him, he teased me about my unwillingness to use an RSV to memorize my 12 verses…I didnt trust any bible at the time but my ‘King Jimmy’ as he called it…that also put me off on him a little longer..

I liked the little ‘nuggies'[nick name for mini bible studies] in the fellowships which nourished me and helped me gain understanding in God’s word… Not in the big lengthy studies Stewart dictated to us.They were so heady and we were so rushed to write them down with little time to ingest and digest…

The witnessing techniques were what sold me on joining…

I had been saved 2 yrs like I said and my way of witnessing was to carry a shopping bag of New Testaments[ “the greatest is love” book form of the NT and a large bible. I would ride the public transportation in NYC and sit next to anyone without a newspaper and open it widely so their eyes would have to see it.

I always opened to 1Cor6:9-10 the verses that the Holy Spirit cut me in half with when I was 19…then I would give the person a NT with a chick tract and address of a church…that was it. I knew nothing more to do. I thought only a minister could lead someone to Jesus.

After visiting and going along with the Staten Island fellowship on evening witnessing excursions, I asked for a copy of a sinners prayer as I wanted my fiance to get saved but he hadnt yet. They told me not until I memorized my 12 heavies.. which I did in KJV…and was teased for using it like I said before.

I wasn’t humanly impressed by Stewart and that helped me and maybe many others who joined during that era. Jesus was Lord not Stewart.

Stewart’s power was still limited more to when he was actually in your presence, like at Big Meetings and later at special center meetings.

The group was growing rapidly and he had to get around more often to gain a stronger foothold in the fellowships. He paid some attention to me when he saw me. I was told by a very dedicated friend and sister,Sharon Sullivan that I trusted in her devotion to Jesus, that Stewart had the ‘gift of discernment’ and I was curious as I wanted to know what he saw in me so I began to pay more attention to what he said and listen more at the center meetings.

At the time we still also went to churches sometimes. I brought the fellowship with John Bevilaqua as leader to Gateway Cathedral on SI since I frequented it before joining the FF. in the middle of the meeting, John stood up and said “WHAT SPACE!!” and we all got up and walked out.

I was really embarrassed at his outburst as the Pastor was teaching. Still I wanted to learn how to boldly witness and get more nuggies so I stopped going to church and learned my 12 verses. I got my button. I was so proud and wanted my sinners prayer and got it.

Immediately I went to my family and tried to convert all of them. My parents said I was brainwashed and told my fiance that he better beat some sense into me…He started to come to the fellowship and contest the meetings.I was still seeing him and leaving fellowship to go for drives and talk.

He was getting increasingly agitated by my moving in and one night was driving very erradically around the island and the Holy Spirit showed me his heart!

The Holy Spirit began to speak through me!!….telling him that he was driving the old bus route that his father used to take him on when he was young. His father died when he was 9 yrs old.

I knew nothing about my fiance’s father, but the Holy Spirit did!

It was amazing and he got angrier. He sped up and went passed Clove Lakes and I looked at him and said, “he is buried over there!”

He stopped the car turned it around and said ” who’s been talking to you? How did you know that?” [there was a cemetary across the street from the park~ he then pulled up by it and got out.It was dark. He told me to shut up , but when the Spirit speaks you cant…I began to walk and went right to his father’s grave!! He was flipping out by this point and said “How do you know where he is buried?”

I said the Holy Spirit was showing me…He walked away from me , tears in his eyes….

I looked around and in the Spirit, I saw a little boy behind another gravesite, sitting, sobbing telling God to give him back and to take him instead…I walked over to him and told him.

He busted out crying.[now this was a 27 yr old Viet Nam vet.. they dont cry easy!] I told him what he told God back when he was 9.. and that he was angry at God ever since for watching his father get buried and him still living..That was it for him, he said “Get back in the car!”…… He said ” where is that prayer?”

We drove back to the Seneca St.Fellowship about a mile up the road. I told him that I needed to be sure that he knew what he was doing and felt I couldnt simply lead him to Jesus there.

He came into the fellowship and before everyone he knelt down and prayed for forgiveness and asked Jesus into his heart! He started coming over every night for a while. We were almost at the date for our wedding but now the Sharon and the others were telling me that since he was a ‘babe in Christ’ that I needed to wait to get married and let him ‘grow in the Lord’ first…

Because of my experience with the Holy Spirit, I listened to the older brethren. My fiance came over for more evening bible studies but he didnt like the idea of postponing the wedding but he relented and still came by.

I told him that he would have to move in but that was not going to happen. He said he did everything he was supposed to do as to getting saved but that they were in fact brain washing me.They told me that I needed to go away for a while and if he was the one God had for me that we would be reunited and he would be stronger in Jesus if I went away.

Well that is another story. I went away, he left fellowship and we broke up..Anyway I was starting to think Stewart might have the Holy Spirit and when we were out witnessing one night we found a billboard of Moon and that he was the ‘prophet to the nation” so I repainted Stewarts name into the sign and brought it to the Sept1st Big Meeting.
I thought it would impress Stewart.

My new zeal for the fellowship was growing. I was leading people to Jesus! I was however having problems with some of the people in the SI fellowship as they wanted me to move to another center to get me away from my fiance.

I gave him back his ring and moved at that meeting to Wilmington, later to Center City where I stayed most of the rest of my time in Cobu working hard to be one of the early sisters to become a group leader.

Stewart used to come there when they had Center Leader meetings in Rem’s apt on the top floor. I used to spend alot of time reading the bible downstairs late at night and he would talk to me a little here and there, asking me what I was reading and thought of what I was reading and also about my ‘mother trip’ that I was notorious for.I told him how many in the fellowship didnt have money and were out of work. He said that was a problem he was thinking about and trying to do something about.

I told him how when I moved to Wilmington under Ernie Benczak,that there were 8 of us that moved there after the Sept75 meeting and none of us had any money and that we went without food those first several days. We all earnestly looked for jobs and when I got one, I spent my first paycheck on groceries for everyone. He said that all I needed to do was to feed myself and that the others could simply get their own jobs and feed themselves!

I told him of a visit I took one weekend in Center City and saw verses all over everyone’s food stashes and how ungodly it was as well as the selfishness and lack of compassion there was for those without money or food. I said I came from a large family and no one ever went hungry when we all pitched in.He agreed that communal meals could be a good idea.

He asked me if anyone helped pay for them and I told him that those who had money chipped in for groceries and those who had no money ate free.I carried that practice over to Center City when I moved there.

I told him I’d rather make a large cheap meal and feed everyone than to just go over to Dey’s Deli and feed myself alone, knowing others were hungry.

Stewart took many ideas from the concerns of others, they werent all his ideas. He did that with nuggies people shared with him too. He could enlarge their nuggie into a bible study , using concordances and life experiences.

Many other men have done likewise and started religions without the Holy Spirit. He wasnt naiive like most in the fellowship. He was in his late 30’s and a shrewd intelligent man coming off very fatherly and cool. Most of the fellowship was under 21, naiive and easy to manipulate.Many didnt know how to use a concordance. Everyone hungered for God’s word.

Many of Stewart’s bible studies had long lists of references to look up later on and often the verses didnt match the theme of the study or made the study hard to digest. I remember trying to go through a study that had so many odd references that I thought I wasnt getting it.

I was beginning to lose confidence in my own reasoning and abilities to hear the Holy Spirit when I read the bible and we all were being encouraged to not think for ourselves but the consensus was to start to simply trust Stewart since he had a pipeline to the Holy Spirit and that we needed further empower him and the church to put our money together to start a bible school or training center.

Come now let us reason together was now come now and listen to Stewart. We needed to get centralized and organized. He convinced the center leaders as they were with him from the beginning.He dazzled with words, in the bible and publicly bold and unconventional, very appealling back in the day…He was to be emulated.

Brothers wanted to be like Stewart.Sisters wanted to please him and become eligible to get married. He set the standards as he was wise and disscerning by popular belief and legend. He promised to do a new ‘marriage bible study’ in the near future.

We were already a fellowship now turned church and got the tax exemption and new name, but had to learn how understand the bible and to use it right and that it was accepted by most that Stewart being so close to the Holy Spirit, had to be the head [replacing Jesus in actuality] since he was said to have had discernment and part of de-stressing Stewart, so he could focus on writing bible studies was to free him from the mundane which included the plane we got him almost a year earlier [so he could travel quickly between fellowships and personally teach], since alot of what he sent out got watered down,[looking back that watering down was really the Holy Spirit watering us so we were mostly thriving spiritually when we had our nightly bible studies].

Stewart may have given many of the initial bible studies to the center leaders, but we had the Holy Spirit and the word of God is alive and active, so many of us were doing well, better with his absence, yet trust in him grew out of proportion.

So that was also why it seemed so important to get his kids back from Shirley, so he could be a right ‘leader’. Then it was announced that we would pool all of our money and give to each according to our needs..

All our debts ‘would’ be paid off collectively and food would be bought wholesale and jobs would be created. Idealistically it sounded good. Rem saw through some of it and after the announcement that Stewart was going to crown Gayle as Queen Esther, Rem split![but that is another story]

Now with verses like “My thoughts are not your thoughts…”….. I spoke to some brethren about it and it seemed the more Stewart was being revered, the less anyone questioned his teachings…

This was the transition time 1975-76 and the core group was loyal…and it was important to get Rem back for solidarity..a collection was taken up at a Big Meeting shortly before we started handing over our paychecks.

I donated $100- specifically for that telling them if Stewart didnt go out to Cali to get Rem that I wanted it back… I tried for a while but never got it back.

Each ran their centers a little differently. I remember in 75 before leaving NYC to go to the PHILI center, Dave R in NYC was really on fire [always loved Jesus and it showed!]and fairly good St copycat [with his mannerisms, baby Z and nodding head as he taught].. as well as Vinny diPaulo..[adorable mini St!]All the bros were emulating St in NYC!

It seemed the way to go at the time.NYC was run very serious. Phili was more laid back and even allowed music and guitar playing and when I for one , wanted to go away to visit my family, Rem allowed it. I didnt feel imprisoned but free to serve Jesus as did many who have fond memories from that era, because the Holy Spirit was with the majority of us in our fellowships.

I saw Stewart more as a human figure and not a king but while he was separated from Shirley I felt sorry for him, so that led me trust him more for a while. I was getting sucked in further to his trip. He was always with Gayle and the rumors of Shirley having accused him ahead of their separation, of being involved with Gayle never left me.

That was a strong part of why Rem left. I knew Stewart’s type ‘in the world’ but wasnt sure how to process this ‘so called’ man of God doing such things, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt for a while going against my better judgement as I was learning daily to do more and more.

One time he mentioned that he had ‘so many bible studies’ waiting to be typed out that he could be backslid for 5 yrs and no one would catch on since they trusted him so much. He knew that I was a harder sell and so he seemed more human to me when he spoke to me privately.

I felt I shouldnt judge him for his seemingly wrong behavior since I had alot of sin in my past and Jesus forgave me so I let it go until he said that. I held that in and didnt leave the fellowship yet. It did make me start to wonder about his relationship with Jesus however since it seemed arrogant and negating the Holy Spirit’s power in the lives of those in the fellowship.

That told me that he was already backslid or just a con man.

Like I said I knew his type in the world and now I didnt like what I saw. Still at this point I was committed to staying in the fellowship and wanting it to get better.

Then When Bob Hillendbrant replaced Rem, the harshness was introduced rather quickly to the Phili center.That was around the end of May or early June 1976.He collected our paychecks , announced the purchase of a dirty run down warehouse in Camden and closed the Center City fellowship. We scattered to other fellowships, some to Upper Darby, Camden and elsewhere.

Although I had been a waitress and also worked cleaning houses and babysitting, I began working for a couple in S.Phili who had a store and became lambs. They were on a tight budget so part of my pay was a small apt in the back of the store.

I took it and used it for a mini fellowship since I was already a group leader and I could ‘follow-up’ on the lambs in Phili and boss was having a baby within a month and my hours increased, but it was a little grocery store with a pool table in the back and I was allowed to witness while I worked so it was great.

I told Bob how much I liked it and that it was such a great location. He allowed me to stay there but I financed it all on my own and had brought my own furniture there. I had a couple of sisters stay over a few times, but mostly I was alone.

I called Bob nightly and got instructions and names of particular lambs who needed to be follow upped. Then I would arrange for meeting places to pick them up for the Saturday night meetings. It was getting close to the 4thJuly Big Meeting which was going to be held in NYC.

I brought a lot of lambs to a center meeting when Bob announced the new deal..dont trust older fellowship and group leaders!! I was aghast. He was portraying older members as being into the flesh and that a new thing was happening that the lambs were the favored of Stewart and that the older ones had gotten away from his teachings and needed to go to NYC to be retrained….THIS  I BELIVE, WAS THE POINT OF DEPARTURE JUNE 1976!!

ICHABOD~!! THE GLORY OF THE LORD HAD DEPARTED…Stewart had gained total control of the multitude… the edge he needed to finally take over and the wolf in sheeps clothing was showing his fangs.. training up lambs to bite and devour one another~ demasculating the brothers, beating their flesh with the bible and brainwashing their minds…vconverting them into a work force that would establish his kingdom on earth.

By breaking down the older brethren, he threw them offguard as to who he really was as he got people to want to prove their faithfullness to Jesus by a new set of rules, his. Still MANY of those who loved Jesus remained, LONGER,  although many we smart enough to leave in the mid 70’s. . I was one of them.

Later I returned to NYC to my family and visited the COBU several times, because I missed my brethren…Each time I went they would offer apologetics that the place was getting better and that Stewart was going to make it right and that we all needed to come back and go through the training so we would be of one mind- sacrificing it all for Jesus to obtain that dream we all shared about preaching the gospel across the nation. Those who stayed or went back, did so wanting to be part of evangelizing the nation, but had to first submit to the new training… the brainwashing…the harshness… the degradation…so many went through it as their ‘reasonable sacrifice’ and many were later delivered out and continued serving Jesus… but the damage was done…

Our spirits were being raped by the spirits Stewart was controlled by and those who stayed remained captive to the whims of a devilish con man who replaced the Holy Spirit’s guidance with his own agenda, covering it with the form of religion, but removing the power of it from individual lives and spitting out those he couldnt break…

The Holy Spirit still spoke to many hearts so Stewart or those ‘like minded’ to him caused public confessions to find out what was going on in people’s heads and then beat them up with it as well…to cause deeper submission, compliance, obedience and alienation from the outside world.

Those who tried to make things right were battered spiritually and psychologically abused for years til they finally left, receiving ‘parting gifts’ of tormenting demons who followed many for years with spirits of despair,infirmity,hopelessness, depression,suicide,failure,delusion, confusion, religion, hate, anger, disbelief, unbelief and the rest of Legion!Many have sought deliverance over the years.

Many made it through, but how many didnt? How many souls have yet to recover?

Stewart Traill, the Al Capone of the 21st Century!

March 14

What do the following have in common???

Olde Good things, [ now net worth over $7.4Million as of Aug 2010 according to Scranton Newspaper]

S&G Photographics.

Christian Brothers Carpet Cleaning.

Stewart Traill is the man behind the plans.

The Forever Family became  the Church of Bible Understanding .

The ‘tax exempt status’ achieved in 1976, became a ticket to ride for Stewart Traill ,who emerged  like a ‘mob boss’.

His achievements make him comparable to the  Al Capone of the 21st century~but with ‘one upmanship’,  since Capone was finally nailed for income tax evasion, Traill has that covered from the gitgo…First, become a ‘church’ and then work the flock. He had a willing [although brainwashed] army of  workers paying as little as $1 day for endless hours of work. Thousands of coverts passed through COBU over the next 30+ years.

[It’s a wise man that learns from the mistakes of another!]

Just like Al Capone……………..

Traill is all powerful, charismatic, devious, elusive, enigmatic, unscrupulous, admired, loved, hated, feared, envied, covertly runs his enterprises, eliminates the competition hands down.

The parallels that can be drawn to both men is undeniable.

Each started a life of [con/ crime] at a relatively early.

Both left school after having different  ‘social’ issues.

Capone’s was over a physical incident with a teacher,

Traill’s was over an incident with his  physics teachers.

Both scraped at  menial odd jobs.

Capone worked at a candy store and a bowling alley.

Trail worked  repairing used vacuum cleaners and selling them at flee markets.

Both made their ‘big’ money through other peoples hard  labors and sufferings.

Both showed/show  no remorse.

Both married Irish women.

Both had junior sons they each called “Sonny.”

Both set the stage for one of the most notorious careers in modern American history.

Capone’s recognized talents in his ‘crime field of endeavour’ got him quickly elevated to running his ‘organization’ . He operated his organization in virtual darkness.He was increasingly psychotic and a dangerous man.

Traill’s recognized talents in his “religious field of endeavour” got him elevated to running his own cult. He operated his organization in virtual darkness. He is becoming increasingly psychotic  and also considered a dangerous man by those whose lives he wrecked.

Capone’s bootlegging during Prohibition made him a fortune catapulting him to investments in other businesses and investments.

Traill’s maneuvering to attain legal ‘church status’ gained a  tax exemption number,  amassing him an unaccountable fortune, using members as a hard working slave labor force, catapulting him into multiple business ventures and setting off a money making machine that can not be accurately assessed. He has professional tax people looking for any and all loopholes to avoid as much tax as possible.

Like Capone eliminating Colismo for his reluctance to move forward into another area of crime business.

Traill soon began systematically eliminating  workers reluctant to comply with his brainwashing techniques and in his business .

When city govt’s began putting pressure on either, each , moved out of the city limits, running their enterprises in created safe zones for operations, leaving there workers behind and controlling from a distance.

Both shared a sense of entitlement.

Both were/are narcissistic, lacked/lack  empathy for the people serving them.It took 30 years before anyone got any group insurance and that is centralized, while the members are dispursed nationwide.

Al Capone was notorious for control over large areas of  Chicago during Prohibition Era.

Traill’s is notorious for details in maintaining control in all of his members and enterprises. The Christian Brothers Carpet Cleaning Service knocked out the competition in most of NYC  through little or no labor overhead as members were brainwashed into working for as little as a $1 a day. Evenings were spent going out witnessing and bringing in more recruits.

Although Capone’s “organization” was making a great deal of money from illegal prostitution and alcohol, much was laundered or unacccounted for.

Traill’s “organization” is making a fortune off of wielding its ‘tax exemption status’ soliciting donations and a retentive  slave labor force in his business ventures and human rights violations having members work 7 days a week and sleeping on floors in  filthy rat infested warehouses and cold water flats.

Both Capone and Traill  remained virtually immune from prosection due to witness intimidation. Capone killed his opposers, Traill works them to death.

Both Capone and Traill were reputed to have several retreats and hideouts.

Both bought retreats in Florida, running their operations from a safe distance.

Neither were ever indicted for their commonly known crimes.

Throughout their reigns a number of attempts have been made to bring them to justice.

Both had issues with infidelity in their marriages.

Capone tried to whitewash his image and be seen as a community leader by creating a daily milk ration for the school kids of Chicago to prevent Ricketts.

Traill  white washes  his businesses and avoids taxes by starting a feeding program for children in an Orphanage in Haiti, even becoming eligible for Government grants and receiving them, as well as tax free donations for the ’cause’.

Capone always did his business through ‘front men’ and no accounting records were kept in his name.Even his mansion was under his wife’s name.

Traill also does business through  ‘front men’ in his COBU.He claims no salary on record and pre-empts the IRS for getting him for tax evasion.

Capone headed  the list as public enemy # 1 for corrupting the city.

Traill is #1 public enemy of all those whose livelihoods and youth he stole.


In certain ways Traill also reminds me of the late John Gotti.

[charismatic, powerful, enigmatic, rich ]

I met Mr.Gotti when he frequented a place I used to work at when I was 18-19 yrs old. He was always polite, generous and very well groomed. [As long as you didn’t cross him , he could be your best friend.]

Unlike Stewart,  Mr.Gotti enjoyed being a  public celebrity, but history reveals more.

Outwardly however, Stewart may have appeared to be  the opposite of Gotti, as there was nothing dapper or classy about Stewart, but he  enjoyed his celebrity status within the Cult itself.  Stewart wore junk clothing  was unkempt  yet endeared members to himself, projecting an image of servitude to keep the ranks in line~ although apart from them he lives a life of luxury.

They were alike in their quiet under the counter way they doing business and cheating the laborers giving as littel as possible but collecting gross returns.

In private when visiting the Phil Center House , I occasionally crossed paths at night with Stewart, coming to or from the kitchen while I was  reading room and Stewart would be cordial and engage in chit chat asking about what I was learning in the bible, for a moment, but as time passed he became all but unapproachable , like the Great and powerful “OZ”,,,,

His devilish genius is up their with like a dictator.


The Church of Bible Understanding {COBU} emerged out of a small groups of fellowships on the east coast in the early 70’s.

They were kids who newly got saved and mostly that loved Jesus and wanted to serve him with their whole hearts.While many youth of the day were partying and getting high, these kids looked to Jesus to rule their lives and found fellowships together and walked the walk and talked the talk.

They were however young and impressionable and one older man, a  devious power hungry narcissist,  a man who was/is charismatic and so deviously wormed his way into this young fellowship, gaining trust and position began directing their steps into the direction that would eventually enslave them to him and remove their hopes for any quality of life in this world.

He was and still is a ‘destroyer’ holding [willing?] brainwashed captives to this very day and leaving in his wake, are all the people whose lives are still sorely affected by his treachery.

This is an account of the days when he was openly transforming these young Christians into his brainwashed servants.

What he does may not be ‘technically’ considered illegal,  it should be and we need laws like the RICO, to prevent people like him from doing what they do.

But how? It is so insidious, as the victims he still controls have been socially cut off from the world of today and most fear re-entering it. Believe it or not, it is happening in NYC and other places around the US~! today……………….

It began in 1976, when COBU forces focused more on recruiting new potential work force members,  than in teaching about the love of God, using their professions of faith as a tool to control them.

It was more involved than any could imagine.

Stewart Traill  was charismatic and had that ability to mesmerize many people.

The original members who sensed things going wrong were systematically being discredited and eliminated as  they now became a liability to Stewrat’s plans of birthing his own little nation of drones.

This was partly due to  to the changing over from small self financed fellowships [that donated some money to Stewart] to a centralized pooling of finances, to which Stewart was in control of and began making the decisions on how members would live and where they would live and serve him.

He made some deals in NYC and Camden to buy some run down warehouses ,  then began herding COBU members out of their original fellowships across the country,  into living in NYC warehouses.

Unfamiliar with NYC life and having no social contacts outside of the COBU,  members became enslaved for the ’cause’, [still thinking they were serving Jesus] but  actually being fed into Stewart’s BORG of worker drones for enterprises he was about to establish….

Stewarts’s  ability to initially impress certain  vulnerable people who would be open to listening proved fruitful for his business endeavours.

He saw who he could control as opposed to who he couldn’t. His focus was on control.

A pivotal part in his plans including gaining a tax exempt status and for that the group needed to be incorporated as a church and it was in 1975.

He needed that ‘front‘ of  a Christian fellowship, as the means to achieve his ends.

Emphasizing about remaining faithful was one of  the ‘vehicles’ used to compel people to comply. Those who did not were verbally abused and shunned and cast down, to either escape or openly leave, but  most had to escape.

How people left  was also carefully calculated on Stewart’s part.. He couldn’t  just allow people to leave while they were looking at all justified or that would lead to others leaving…so those leaving were  discredited .

He needed to keep a ‘retentive work force’, so it was instilled through hard work and a series of long nightly meetings, that to leave was  leaving Jesus and  to not yield to the group, under his direction, was disobeying Jesus and punishable by hell fire. To leave was to backslide, losing all hopes of attaining heaven.

He could then surmize who would be suitable to be ingrafted or trained to stay and work.
Around May of 76 the word was sent out not to trust the ‘older’ long time members of any authority and the chain of command was broken, making  him  the sole authority and spokesperson for God.

Newer, younger members were encouraged to verbally attack older members who were then shamed and shunned into submission, while the new recruits got a pat on the head and became Stewrat’s favorites & were developed into an almost  type of Hitler Youth, to report anyone who might be into sin…[that is anyone revealing Stewart’s plans]

Understanding the bible was no longer was the main precedent, compliance to Stewart’s plan was. They were being brainwashed.

This also encouraged a sense of  less true spirituality and  more minor narcissistic tendencies to emerge within the ranks and those who were good at being Official Reprovers [OR’s} made everyone else fearful and careful not to be questioning or being dissident…anyone catching on and questioning Stewart was made to think they were sinful and had to repent, losing status attained and brought low to be ridiculed .

COBU got more and more militant, more physical labor, more compliance, more willingness to snitch to get  a pat on the head from Stewart who was systematically setting up alliances with those he could trust to control and eliminate those who might eventually expose his game.

Out with the old , in with the new

Eventually picking up homeless people who had ‘no life anyway’ and began exploiting them, as well as those with in the ranks, so long as the wheels kept turning and Stewart’s power increased as the  money rolled in..

Well here are some more of my thoughts on his devilish genious and under the counter achievements in the early days of COBU…

Now after manipulating and controlling thousands of people from 1971 through present, stealing their youth, energies, faith, dreams and more, Stewart has extracted his profit by the sufferings of those he controlled “in the name of a jesus,[not the real Jesus] making them think to disobey Stewart and his gang[or inner circle], was to be backsliding, sealing their fate to go to hell’a  fate worse than death and prevent most from exposing the entire scam to the outside world officials.

By these methods he has controlled some for over 30 yrs! In exchange for giving their lives to his control, many have however learned to work in various businesses with the brainwashed privilege of donating their paychecks back to Stewart’s church{COBU} to avoid taxation.

They are ensnared since they can not leave with more than the clothes on their backs into a world they do not know.

Stewart in turns has provided minimal room and board and a stipend for each member.

At one point it was $1 a day for up to 18 hours hard labor! Sundays, the sabbath was cancelled so workers could make more money for Stewart’s ambitions.

A member earning up to $1000 a week could expect a stipend of up to $30 and carfare of up to $30. Money given to  the members is  in cash envelopes.

Governing boards of elite members have to penny pinch on each member or they themselves lose rank and privilege. Instilling the thought of crucifying their flesh to be sure they wouldnt ask for more.

Many members were/are underage runaways as well as adults with various degrees of personality disorders, less likely to complain of their abuse.

Those who can manage enough thought to question anything are suppressed or shunned and most eventually run away with the clothes on their backs and a trash bag of personal belongings reflecting the fruits of years of servitude to this inhumane system of human rights violations.

They would move the ‘drones’ through the underground apt/warehouse system , change the kids appearance [haircuts, dyed hair etc] and names and feed them into the church to become worker bees.

Moving them around to unfamiliar surroundings, never watching any TV , limited contact with nonmembers outsiders, instilling fear of the outside world and guilt so they would stay and not know  how to leave or where to go.

They were constantly told that their own thoughts were evil and had to bring their minds under subjection, causing them to police each other and tell on anyone that would think of dissenting or questioning Stewart’s authority of those who answered directly to Stewart.

Stewart handpicked certain men who would follow his direction in exchange for a piece of the action, thus motivating others to do his dirty work.

He once ordered several men to beat his own minor son senselessly for shoplifting.The men were arrested after the boy was hospitalized in Philadelphia’s Childrens Hospital, but  only received probation and Stewart himself  was never charged! This happened in Philadelphia at the ‘lamb house’ where new recruits were conditioned, brainwashed and fed back into the work force.

Stewart Traill did/does however keep a paranoid sense of self preservation, never letting even his trusted enforcers be secure in their own positions. Secrecy was/is paramount to keeping control.

Any enforcer who showed/shows any inclination towards establishing more power was/is demoted quickly.

Keeping even his enforcers off guard Stewart Traill,  became more powerful. He had/has enablers in business legal matters create ways to hide and launder money and cover their tracks so nothing could be traced to Stewart.

He also  had everything placed under the church name to avoid taxes and recriminations but generous allowances for himself that were more than a king would receive. He would often say that he takes nothing from the church, since in fact it is laid at his feet.

The huge cash flow from these slave laborers, coupled with donations sought from corporations, government grants and outside volunteer sources mushroomed into a huge money making machine that can not even be estimated.

Some of this money and donations has been funneled and reinvested into other business ventures, creating new businesses that gradually have been detached from their original source.

Much of these practices are not unlike how organized crime attempts to go legite~Still it is blood money of those who were his slaves.

The transition from unskilled child/teen/young adult laborers to repairmen refurbishing used vacuum cleaners and selling them at flea markets[sales jobs included men and women] went to carpet cleaning services when Stewart purchaced 10 carpet cleaning machines in 1976 out of church funds.

‘Privileged’ loyal members would take a carpet cleaner and go out in the streets of NYC seeking businesses to clean carpets for. As the money began to flow, more carpet cleaners were purchased and more laborers sent out.

There was now endless work opportunites.

Women members were sent out  with ‘flyers’ soliciting businesses and making appointmets for the men to come and clean carpets.

Contracts were soon made  with area businesses and corporations as the sales people sent in to negotiate deals by undercutting every business in the city.

This was easy since the work force was slaves.

Stewart would have the enforcers push the men to work days, nights and weekends. It was not surprising that much of the work done was performed in places actually linked to organized crime in NYC.

Some notoriety occurred when the Seinfeld TV comedy series once made reference to them as the “Sunshine Carpet Cleaning Cult”.

I talked with a member once who bragged about making over $300 a week. I asked her how much of that money did she actually receive in hand, since when I was in, they took my entire paycheck and never gave me an allowance.They were supposed to pay my debts off out  of the money I ‘donated’ but never did that either.

After repeated questioning she finally admitted to getting $10 a week [and not every week did she receive it but when it was her time of month and she needed sanitary supplies]!

Having a soda was a luxury and indulging in the flesh…

The workers slept in sleeping bags on the floors of dirty broken down warehouses in the Hell’s Kitchen section of NYC.

Up to 130 members shared squalor living conditions, having only 2 toilets and having no bathing facilities.

Members would weekly go to public showers to get washed. Lice , roaches and rat infested, one member told me that he bought dog flea shampoo to try and get the bugs out of his hair!

Since there were ‘some’ married families involved in the early days, children would often become sick and have to go to clinics. When the same addresses came up for so many sick children, the Board of Health was sent in to discover the squalor and shut down some of Stewarts home warehouses, forcing him to buy some run down tenements and scatter his flock.

Members were then moved into overcrowded  apartment buildings, living in ‘shifts’ while the carpet cleaning business {Christian Brothers Carpet Cleaning Services} was born.

At this time any new marriages were strongly discouraged, celibacy and devotion were overly emphasized in the nightly meetings.

All efforts went to creating a strong work force and keep costs down.

Area businesses  made complaints to city officials as the COBU’s Christian Brothers Carpet Cleaning Services was putting others out of work.

Charges were filed for tax evasion and a new loop hole was found and employed.

Members were now given their salary checks as ‘independent contractors’ so the Christian Brothers didnt have to pay tax on their behalf.

Then to keep all the money in Stewart’s pockets, these salaries were/are then donated to the COBU as charitable contributions.

This way members also avoid paying taxes, but lose everything in the process~!!

Members live/d meagerly off their allowance which never enables them to be able to afford to leave the group.

Delving into the authenticating  the tax exempt status of the ‘church’, Stewart Traill told the members about the movie “Marjoe Gortner” and that the best way to beat the system was to establish a charity that was cheap to run, such as an orphanage in a third world country…

Stewart picked Haiti, the poorest country in the eastern hemisphere. One where he would come out the winner regardless to anything else.. This made the church look good to the public but was another way for him to exploit humankind.

Starting the mission was a stroke of devilish genius..feeding starving children..

They began soliciting larger corporate donations as well as government grants to assist in this mission , while not being monitored by any one.They accept any type of monetary or physical property in exchange for tax credits to those who donate.

These donations can not be totally accounted for since some who give, do not require charitable write off declarations.

Many antiquities ‘donated’ are then warehoused in  Scranton Pa., under member guards and stored til they can resurface in yet another business of the church, ” Olde Good Things” E-bay store and sell valuables for thousands of dollars.

Tax accounting is now done  very professionally and what is written down and accounted for has so far, met basic requirements to elude government detection, however this is an underground religious named version or organized crime!

COBU is no better than any other criminal enterprises in America, only more subtle and devious, undetectable except, perhaps by those who escaped its grasp and now live in anonymity, mentally , physically and spiritually abused for decades.

Imagine if Al Capone played himself off as an evangelist? Even most organized crime families draw the line at that!

Today, with over 25 yrs of guaranteed good service, Christian Brothers Carpet Cleaning Services are located  in NYC, LA , SanDiego and Florida.

Customers have no idea of what evil enabled this business to form. It is said they even employ some outsiders which give the appearance of a normal enterprise.

The mission Orphanage  in Haiti was plagued with stories of abuse and mismanagement.

Young members went there to care for the children yet were unqualified in child care and many orphans have been beaten and abused without justice ever being served. Corporate donations still keep everything afloat and Traill still prospers from it.

He flies one of his 4 church owned planes to deliver the goods to Haiti with Uncle Sam’s picking up the tab under the Bush initiative of funding faith based human needs programs.

He has often had female member stuff up to $15,000 cash at a time in their clothing to go undetected.Where was that money going?

Stewart meanwhile could receive accolades for his human services, ironically…

Under the auspices of this charity, donations of planes, plane parts and services are covering most of the costs of operations.

New volunteers, kept separate from the ‘drones’ have been enlisted to upscale the operation, making it look more honest.

Most people are unaware of the sinister purpose of Stewart Traill have been unwittingly offering their services in good faith.

At least the orphans get fed…the higher percentage of what he collects to do this is however funneled into other ventures while a minimal percentage is used for the good.

Where are the Rico laws when you need them?

How can a used vac repairman gain the power and position attained by Stewart Traill????

Stewart Traill , Dumping Shirley , Getting Gayle~COBU

This article was written collaboratively with the help of Jim Hurley, who was Center Leader of Reading in 1974-75 and witnessed many of these private events between Stewart & Shirley & Gayle in 1975

After Debbie Tobias left there were different ‘sisters’ used to help
Stewart in writing out bible studies.
They would write out the
verses on the file cards.
Gayle did some writing for Stewart and getting closer to the family
all the time and under Stewart’s eye.

After Stewart got the plane[April 1975], he started leaving Shirley home and taking young 18 yr old  Gayle, around to the different centers.

Gayle always seemed to sleep at his feet,. “I don’t know of her ever being sent to the sister’s quarters” said Jim Hurley.

Shirley was getting increasingly upset with this, as well she should
have been! On several occasions while at their home, Stewart would
call Rem, Paul or Dave and other ‘older brothers’ like Jim Hurley too,
to ‘calm’ Shirley down. Jim tells you more about this here.
Usually after some sort of fight concerning his hanging out with female teenagers, particularly Gayle.- “He knew what he was doing!” said Jim.

He could control the young girls but was losing control of Shirley. She was beginning to put her foot down.” Jim continued,
“He wasn’t going to allow her to ruin things for him.
He started to present her as a “freak out” over Gayle, yet all the
while he kept baiting her with his behavior, and he was getting away
with it. Why put up with her when Gayle adored him!”

The incident in the restaurant I heard about many times.
Jim Hurley, my husband, was there. He told me  the exact details
as to demonstrate perhaps why Stewart later didn’t want older
brothers around. No witnesses! This is what I heard back then about it.

Gayle was sitting with Jim in a booth.
“Stewart was sitting with Shirley, they were arguing, or at least she
was. He was contemptively ‘cool’. Her fuse was already lit! Other
leaders were there. Those who knew the real deal, knew why Shirley was
so upset”, said Jim.

“Others may have not known and ‘judged by the moment’ and thought
Stewart was the victim. HA!
He set her up and knew how to push her buttons!
She was watching him and Gayle get ‘bonded’ and knew her time was
In a final burst of frustration, Shirley said out loud,
” You can’t control me, can you Stewart!!!”
“and she opened a jar of sugar, unscrewed the cap and slowly poured
the sugar over Stewart’s head. It mingled in his hair and beard and
slid down his shirt and pants and onto the floor.” Jim  recalled.
“He had victory!”

All he had to do now, was sit there and remain silent.

The calmer he appeared, the more hysterical she looked.
“He knew what he was going to do and he knew how to punish her for
this! -This was going to cost her, everything!”

The rest was easy.

He was succeeding in driving Shirley nuts.
She knew that he could get the fellowships to believe anything he
told them.
He also knew that there was enough momentum to handle any exodus of
those who knew the scoop.

He had the fellowships in the palm of his hands!

He even boasted that he could be ‘backslide 5 years’ and they wouldn’t catch on!

She knew it was beyond her abilities to deal with and that he was out to take over a bunch of naive Jesus freaks and exploit them, much like he had exploited her, when he married her at 16 and she did what ever he told her without question- for years!
Here she was over 30, and able to finally ‘talk back’.

Well he was going to fix her but good!

“He would accuse her of adultery and these dumb lambs would actually feel sorry for him.” said Jim.

Why what girl in fellowship wouldn’t love to have a husband like
He was planning it for sometime.

He had Shirley parade in tight unbecoming ‘old looking’ compared to the sea of young girls spread out on the floor before him, listening to every word he said. It would be easy to get the fellowship to think she was perverse…

Then there were the young men, or boys, who wanted to be
“just like Stewart”.
He had a plan for them as well!

They were going to be as “eunichs” for the kingdom of ‘god’ while he would be ‘a Solomon’, the wisest of the wise and have many ‘mental’ concubines.
He was going to have some fun, dividing those whom he liked from
those he disliked. Ones he liked could be known later as ‘Gayle

He could ‘whip them into shape’ whatever ‘shape’ he wanted to make them.

Stewart  didn’t care what YOUR MOTIVE WAS for being in fellowship, as long as you produced gain for him.
The more the ‘merrier’ for him…
Turn a buck, into his pocket every little bit helps!

Well anyway, back to the ‘good old days’, the time for the first
“1000 person Big Meeting” came and Stewart made the tragic
announcement!!! [4th July 1975]
Shirley gave him an ULTIMATUM-
“Come Home and be husband and father, or we won’t be here when you get back!”[meaning her and the children…]

But as all geniuses plan ahead, Stewart had it all figured out.

He announced to the meeting that she left and made it seem as though
she was telling him Jesus or her.
So of course he was ‘applauded’ for choosing Jesus….
by coming to the meeting and not giving in to her demands…

Why there wasn’t a person present
that couldn’t ‘feel his pain’, but I should have said
‘feel his gain!’….

He had another brother suggest that the fellowship pay
for his legal defense and get back his children for him.
After all, how could Stewart lead the fellowship if he couldn’t manage
his own family, bible basics 101, and to put away his wife, she had
to be an adulteress bible basics 102…

Soon after, he succeeded and got his kids back. He had a private
investigator claim Shirley was with another man in a bar, enough
said. She was backslidden…Alls ‘swell’ in the kingdom of Stewart.

The beast was born…

From that point on, the ‘spirit’ of the fellowship was under attack. Houses closed as warehouses opened, salaries collected, and dependence on the Cobu made it harder to leave.

Members were kept mentally and physically kept exhausted, becoming spiritually deprived of the Truth, having it replaced with ‘wormwood’, the devil had its foothold as Stewart sold out for his Lusts!!!

There were the loyalists.

They were saved, but swayed by their desire to remain in fellowship and or their dependence on the fellowship.

No matter how bad it seemed to get, Stewart could always point a finger
and let them know it was their fault and heap on the guilt.

They always needed to repent and better yet walk around in
figurative ‘sackcloth and ashes’.

They would be mistreated, abused and stay on for long periods of time, carrying the ‘hope’ that things were going to get better.

These hopes were only realized by their eventually leaving. By then, however, the brainwashing of blaming themselves and daily doses of guilt, left some bewildered for years to come.

Stewart gave parting gifts!

A curse would be pronounced on you when you were leaving fellowship.

He even told people that Jim killed himself over 10 years ago! This was said perhaps to scare others into submission and obedience.
In the summer of 1976,  at a meeting in NYC, Stewart  told me in front of the multitudes, that I was a suicide waiting to happen ~!

Thanks for the prophetic word Stew, I did have a few close
calls, since after all, you took away my hope of salvation…. for a

Thanks be to Jesus that he showed me what a liar you {Stewart}

The devil has been having quite a field day with the

Cobu, his ‘Cain child’.

I better end now for this part at least, as this is all part
of the “Never Ending Story

Hopefully this account and others that are being presented,  will  cause those ‘faithfully departed members’ to find new hope in Jesus Christ the Lord Jesus Christ ~ not the facsimile created by Stewart~

[…and not the “Jesus Christ’ carpet cleaning cult….]which has made
Stewart a multi-millionaire, and left those who did the slave labor
with nothing but guilt that they could never please Jesus!

To those left behind, who have a false glimmer of hope that
Stewart would ever care enough to provide for you, any sort of
future, it can only be Death and Despair!

The sooner you get out the sooner you can begin to heal and get to know the ‘real love of Jesus’.

Stewart may raise his glass at a poolside toast and say,
“This Bud’s for you!”
‘You can stay part of Cobu and live in squalor ~ till you are no longer able to
produce work that will profit Stewart and then  you will be cast out
into the street as refuse,with a parting directive to ‘go drop dead’, just as many before you were cast out or driven away.

The true Christians that were in the Ff/Cobu were persecuted and to
the ones that still love Jesus, praise God!

To those who are still hurting so bad, God bless you and comfort you! To those who are still IN and being misled, I pray Jesus protects them and leads them out safely into real fellowship.

To those who have failed to develop a true relationship with Jesus because of being misled, I pray they come to know him, the true loving savior and develop that right relationship with Jesus.

To those of us who fellowship together, I hope that our Savior raises
us up to do more service for him, in the manner of intent we tried to
do in the fellowship.

I ask you Lord Jesus to enable me to lead many  people to You in Christ again in the time I have remaining on this earth and that they may not be caught up in any false teachings like that of the Cobu, by Stewart. I ask You to send Your Holy Spirit to convict him of his sins and lead him to true repentance. In Jesus name.Amen


Join us at:

Forever Family…. became COBU…then turned to a cult..:(

Date: Fri, 20 Apr 2001 07:10:35 -0000 

When I met the Forever Family, it was through Barbara. She began to
work at my company and noticed I was reading a bible at lunch. She
offered to share bible study with me and invited me to her fellowship
near the Staten Island Ferry.
I was already saved but struggling to get my former fiancé saved, before our
upcoming, planned already marriage.
Once evening after work, I accompanied her to their meager
fellowship, was given a folding chair, [one of the only ones they had]
as they all sat around on the floor exchanging ‘nuggies’ and waiting
to go out witnessing for the evening. I was impressed by their fervor
and dedication to Jesus. They did not invite or persuade me to move
in. They were just into witnessing and bible studies. Everything else
was insignificant.

They spoke of ‘center meetings’ on weekends and that they had
a ‘center leader’ named Dave Rizetto, who knew allot of the bible.
They invited me to a meeting and I went.

At the center meeting, several groups of people arrived, notably
young and all got together to pray in the spirit and fellowship,
mostly in the word. This too impressed me and was sincere. Then they
got together and had some group bible study, still very good and
wholesome. When the fellowships were like this, they were GOOD…each
fellowship was independently ‘owned and operated’…

People were getting saved. They did not push you/me to move in, just
emphasized allot that I should come over more for bible studies and
to go out witnessing. This was great. I wanted to learn how to
witness better. I used to just give out tracts and bibles and invite
people to come to church. I wanted to get a ‘copy of a sinners
prayer’ and try to lead some one to Jesus.  I went over to the
fellowship more and more frequently.

Then one day, Barbara came to work with the bad news! Some one who
didn’t like the group of communers- set the fellowship on fire while
they were out witnessing! I was horrified and invited them to move
into my house.  My house was actually too small, but they told me
that they found a big house and since they had no furniture etc, that
perhaps I would consider moving in with them…  was supposed to be 
getting married the following month, so I thought why not. I wanted to
get my boyfriend saved and perhaps, by moving there, he would get

I moved in with them. My boyfriend came around daily. He did get
saved but wanted me to leave the fellowship. By that time I learned
that it still wouldn’t be right to just marry him as a newly saved. I
was told he needed to learn more about Jesus so that it would be
better to put off the wedding. He became angry with me and
threatened to beat up the fellowship leader, John Bevilaqua. This
didn’t happen but came close. I agreed to move to the Wilmington
Delaware fellowship to distance myself from my boyfriend. I was told
that if it were meant to be that Jesus would bring us together at the
right time.  I started to consider that perhaps it wasn’t meant to be,
so I focused on the Forever family and learning to please Jesus.

At about that time, Stewart had broken up with Shirley. Changes began
to take place. Each house still paid it’s own bills through full or
part-time jobs we each got and we gave a donation to the Center leader
who in turn gave it to Stewart.

We still handled our own money and gave in a donation for the house
bills, usually around $35- $50- per week
each. Each person paid for his or her own food. Sharing was discouraged as
some new people would join and not look for work. If you don’t work
you don’t eat, was the way it was. This bothered me, as I noticed that
if you were visiting a fellowship and had no money or food with you,
no one usually would even offer! When I asked about it, at a few
different fellowships, I was told that the physical food wasn’t the
big deal and that I should ‘get off my mother trip’. They made fun of
me frequently for worrying whether everyone ate or not.

This gradually changed, beginning in Wilmington. I would buy extra
food and I started making meals and offering to whom ever wanted it.
Others started to share too. Ernie Bencak was the leader and a truly
nice guy.

The food stinginess at early fellowships was the only fault I found
with the Forever Family! This changed though as when I began to
share, slowly others did too. After a while it became common to share
but I was still accused of being on a “Mother Trip”. I didn’t mind,
I just was a ‘literal Christian’ when I joined and felt the physical
was important too, as they were mostly into what they perceived to be
the spiritual, and ready to surrender all!

At this point in time, there were communes all over. The early FF’ers
were known to ‘rescue’ some from the COG’s and Moonies, and try to
rescue HareKrshna’s too, along with runaway kids and homeless. The
fellowships grew because many left their, then sinful lifestyles,
and moved right in.  Some were hippies or on the fringe of being
hippies. Others just wanted to opt-out of their sinful worldly
lifestyle into a pure sin free environment. And it was just that, for
a time.
Gradually as it grew, more elements were added, a biggy was, the
kiddies were growing up…urges..relationships developing…remaining
sin free…remaining celibate…co-ed sleeping in rooms, was heading
towards a problem, which didn’t occur!

I have never heard of a pregnancy started in the FF/Cobu out of wedlock. That made them
better than the Cog’s or Moonies! Frequently moving around from one
fellowship to another meant unemployment issues. Stewart was a vac
repairman and sold rebuilts at flee markets. He taught some of the
center leaders to do the same. They in turn taught some of the guys
to do it too. Girls often worked office jobs, waitresses, house
cleaners, baby sitters, and so on so we all just chipped in and paid
the bills.

As the fellowships got bigger. The centers grew. Stewart originally
was dragging his entire family around in the beginning to do bible
studies every so many weeks or month.

Then we started to rent larger
places and have Big Meetings. the bigger we got the further he had to

So, it was no surprise that we started giving Stewart more and
more money and then small plane to get around in and then his wife
would stay home with the kids.

Then after Debbie Tobias left,
different girls used to help with writing out the file cards. Stewart
was using a mini tape recorder to save all the ideas he was getting.

And then came along Gayle- no father and young, 18-19. She babysat for
the Traills sometimes and now got promoted to secretary for Stewart.
The rest of that is history. That is also where some think Stewart SOLD OUT TO
THE DEVIL! AND began the larger scale exploitation of the willing!
“Do it for Jesus!” [the death of a fellowship!] The taking into
captivity! Many left….God help those who remained!!!!

To realize the truth of the CobuCult, it took me 5 years to stop
defending it! We were programmed and the good was there to justify
the bad! The good was allowed there to cover up the bad! The good
were there as a front for the workings of Satan through Stewart and
his few henchmen! Stewart needed to lure and entice a certain amount
of True Believers to pull off his scam!!! We, who loved Jesus, were
being used to make Cobu look noble and worthwhile! We breathed the
life into that monster…

If that wasn’t bad enough, we were abused continually by Stewart and
his assigned henchmen and ‘punished’ for loving Jesus and
subconsciously Stewart was embedding the blame on Jesus in our
minds, so he could finish destroying us even after we left the cult!!!

Stewart had help from heavy hitting ‘demons’ to accomplish so
dastardly a deed! I hate watching WW2 movies about Hitler. Hitler
had demons too!

So did the late Saddam Hussein, and many who place little or
no value on human life as long as they could extract gain for
themselves and power! They all possess a ‘spirit of antichrist’.


He mixed the members according to the concept  of ‘sheep with the goats’ and started to bring all/us in small groups to the slaughterhouse.  Then he mixed in pigs and
horses and fed us all slops! Then he had different’ lords over us’-
little  loyal members who were ‘like lions’ to nip and bit and cull out the ‘unconverted ones’.

The ‘converts’ Stewart wanted were thosee mindless enough, who ate what he
offered them not knowing he is/was only poisoning the ones who were
bringing himdelf more  gain, planning on replacing as they/we/us wore out or

He only pretend/s/ed to be a Christian brothers fellowship! Although many of us  are physically free from being there- we still have little mental time bombs planted in side and/or around   us that need to be deactivated!   Those parting shots from Stewart / or those he delegated to deliver the messages of doom to anyone who leaves the cult.
Those parting  shots to give us to self destruct!
Those time bombs are demonic oppression that hits us each in similar /or different ways, some are; Spirits of:
depression, suicidal, anger, fatigue, confusion, mental disorders,
infirmities, bitterness, religious spirits, frustration, contempt,
hatred, pride, lying, stealing, homosexuality, promiscuity, Eve,
Jezebel, bitterness, envy, treachery, mocking, witchcraft
unforgiveness, jealousy, strife, self-mutilation,
self-gratification, even spirits of murder, if only in our hearts!

Stewart is still succeeding in robbing the joy of loving Jesus out of
our lives if any of these demonic forces have any victory in and
around our lives.

I urge you brethren, by the mercies of God, if any of you are suffering and search your hearts for any of the feelings associated with any of the above mentioned, do not be

Pray, get help both spiritual and mental health, to have some one pray with you!

Surrender it all to Jesus and remember again your creator as in the days of your

God is not mocked, but wants to heal and hold any and all of us that
have any bondage in any of those areas, he will deliver! All who call
upon the name of the Lord will be saved…
My indignation remains over the ones who left and could not attain a
right relationship with Jesus due to the distortion of the truth
injected into their minds by the cobu/via Stewarts teaching and the
way he had his henchmen apply those teachings to the receivers.
The pain he has caused, and the ones he has  turned away from God as
a result! I pray for those who haven’t found their way back to Jesus
yet and that Jesus carries them back into his sheepfold!
God bless you all!Ave

There is a way that seems right to a man, BUT….

Proverbs:[1:17] For in vain is a net spread
in the sight of any bird;

Looking back over my life  I see that we have free choice but ultimately are lured and enticed by our own desires over shadowed by our commitments made both humanly and spiritually.

Passage 1 John 3:20:
20whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.

Put Jesus first is the ideal but we can be side tracked or deceived when first starting out on our Christian walk and there are pitfalls along the way.

Proverbs 12:15 NIVRead this chapter
The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice.

Proverbs 14:12 NIVRead this chapter
There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.

[Twice emphasized in the bible]

Proverbs 16:25 NIVRead this chapter
There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death

In some ways it is like we really run very little in life as we are influenced and controlled by our circumstances, thoughts and peoples reactions to and about us. Sometimes it makes that movie the Matrix have more meaning to me concerning the reality we all live in…

We can be self deceptive and thinking we are doing God a service when in fact the devil is laying out the red carpet to our destruction….we just have to follow the yellow brick road, off to see the wizard, but then the reality hits and we become trapped by circumstance forced to make decisions we wouldn’t make otherwise. Still sometimes we get lucky.{?}

Titus 1:10 NIVRead this chapter
For there are many rebellious people, mere talkers and deceivers, especially those of the circumcision group.

I am reminded of ” Be-watchful, your adversary the devil walks to and fro on the earth seeking whom he may devour…’ or onto another thought…how does this lion seek us out and lay that snare before the Fowler?


1 PETER 5:8: Be sober, be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking some one to devour.

How can we know we are on the right path and know when it is the Holy  Spirit guiding or a religious spirit drawing us away? some thoughts ensue..

“A little birdie told me”…..a saying  even referred to in the Bible as a lying spirit…

1Kings 22:22 NIVRead this chapter
” ‘By what means?’ the LORD asked. ” ‘I will go out and be a lying spirit in the mouths of all his prophets,’ he said. ” ‘You will succeed in enticing him,’ said the LORD. ‘Go and do it.’

1 Kings 22:23 NIVRead this chapter
“So now the LORD has put a lying spirit in the mouths of all these prophets of yours. The LORD has decreed disaster for you.”

2 Chronicles 18:21 NIVRead this chapter
” ‘I will go and be a lying spirit in the mouths of all his prophets,’ he said. ” ‘You will succeed in enticing him,’ said the LORD. ‘Go and do it.’

2 Chronicles 18:22 NIVRead this chapter
“So now the LORD has put a lying spirit in the mouths of these prophets of yours. The LORD has decreed disaster for you.”

So bearing in mind that the battleground we face unceasingly is our own minds…these spirits are very clever in suggesting things that will appeal to our flesh, especially if we are estranged from God.

1 Kings 22:22 NIVRead this chapter
” ‘By what means?’ the LORD asked. ” ‘I will go out and be a lying spirit in the mouths of all his prophets,’ he said. ” ‘You will succeed in enticing him,’ said the LORD. ‘Go and do it.’

2 Chronicles 18:21 NIVRead this chapter
” ‘I will go and be a lying spirit in the mouths of all his prophets,’ he said. ” ‘You will succeed in enticing him,’ said the LORD. ‘Go and do it.’

But with that in mind, I know better now than I did when I was young. Hindsight is 20-20 so now I can look back and honestly recount my time in COBU. I am wondering how many others may have been deceived as I was and perhaps walked in my shoes at one time or another and at what stop they got off the train and re-entered life…and then what happened to them in that ‘life’ and where they are at as a  result.

It is my hope and prayer that all have found their way back to living in right relationship with Jesus, no matter how hard or easy their lives had become.

I am picking this story up around Christmas of 1975 onward while I was already in COBU for 8-9 months and had moved several times breaking off family and familial ties in NYC…

The way I saw it back in the day,  was that rumors went out that Stewart was  going to marry Gayle after his divorce was final to Shirley and that he planned on getting into a Marriage Bible Study that was going to redefine marriage and it was promising that even divorced  people can remarry.

Although most of the fellowship was perhaps still too young to want to be married,  I welcomed that news. I was older already older than most Center Leaders and most of them were already married. I had left my fiance  just before my wedding  when I joined the FF and was told that as soon as I grew in Jesus that I could get married to an older brother in the Lord .
I cor 7:2: But because of the temptation to immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.

So after Stewart’s  announcement I started to look around the fellowships to see if there were any older brothers that would be available.

Paul Davis had been somewhat promised to Millie Brocco but they had broken up before I met either. I was friendly with Millie and since she was an older sister  I asked her how would I go about meeting an older brother without seeming like I was getting into the flesh.  It was also important not to be a ‘tank’ in those days.

She had told me that all I had to do was to tell a brother  I was interested and that if he shared the feeling, then it could be made known and if it was Jesus’s will that it would happen. Sounded simple enough. There were a few brothers that I considered but they didnt seem like good choices so I just began working harder in fellowship and became a group leader.

Jim was in his early 30’s and a group leader in Pine St.,   and seemed  to be working really hard to become a Center Leader, so he seemed like a  very good prospect  to me early on .He had been in the FF for a few years, a   fellowship leader in Reading and a few other places, was more mature than most of the brothers and if ever there would be someone in fellowship that I wanted to spend my life with it would be him. He struck me as being someone that could surpass Stewart in his bible knowledge. He seemed so spiritual  to me .

1 cor 7:28: But if you marry, you do not sin, and if a girl marries she does not sin. Yet those who marry will have worldly troubles, and I would spare you that.

He also seemed to be a Christian version of the man I left behind at the altar when I joined the FF. I thought he was everything I was looking for in a man, so I hoped that someday Jesus would work out a way that we could be together.

Meanwhile I knew that I had to become the best I could be as a Christian and worked and witnessed hard, helped around the fellowship as much as possible.  I thought if I channeled all my energies into pleasing Jesus that eventually all my dreams would also come true, but knew that my wants were secondary and serving Jesus came first .

Psalm 37:5: Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act.

I wanted things to be the right way but secretly liking Jim gave me a vision of hope for the future. I was older than most of the girls in fellowship  and he was older than the other brothers, so who knows someday Jesus could have him ask me to marry him and I would be ready! or so I thought.

WE were just friends as he told me ,of a bad divorce he went through and how bummed he was that he hadn’t been able to see his daughter since she was seven. I felt bad for him yet very attracted to him. When talking to him once, he told me he liked JoAnn Donahoe, so my hopes were dashed. He asked me to tell her he was interested in her and so I did. She went out with him briefly and then later  left fellowship to go to Texas to see her dad. She later left  Cobu, but came back to Phili and joined a regular church.

The day came when Rem had to tell us something from Stewart. It was no longer a rumor. He announced that he was doing a study on marriage and someday would reveal it to us. He also said that since Shirley had done all that she did over the past several months that she was like Queen Vashti when she refused to come to the 1000 Meeting last July and that  he now needed to replace her and place his own house in order so he could be a right shepherd to the flock.

Not surprising the Queen Ester of his choice was Gayle, [rumor had it out earlier]the same 19 yr old girl that accompanied him alone once he started flying the new fellowship airplane. It was said it was too small for his family so he would leave Shirley  home with the kids and fly off with Gayle to the various fellowships.  Shirley even accused him of messing around with Gayle and this disturbed some of the Center leaders and older  of the fellowship that were not so naive.

PV 18:1: He who is estranged seeks pretexts to break out against all sound judgment.

Soon after the announcement, Rem left shockingly, using  the rent money collected from everyone at Pine St and hopped a plane to California .He was one of the first ‘originals’ to leave.

Stewart made a fuss about it and that he was going to get Rem to come back. they took up a collection at the next Big Meeting so Stewart could go and talk to Rem and bring him home.We all missed Rem. He was a good leader.

This left Phili with no Center leader so at Pine St., Jim stepped in unofficially and we all worked together to keep it together until Stewart sent in a new Center Leader from Detroit. who was a hardliner, loyal to Stewart and the fellowship was getting pretty shook up when he came to town. He had clashes with Jim shortly after his arrival and Jim left. I disliked how this guy ‘ disciplined ‘his baby daughter.Many in fellowships spanked their children excessively and he was one of them.I stood up to him one time and he told me to mind my own business.

Stewart visited that month and came down to the kitchen area one night while I was up and reading and was actually cordial to me and  asking me what I was reading and what I thought about it. I told him. Then he asked me about why was I making large pots of food for everyone. He had heard I was on a sort of “Mother trip”. Dave Rizzetto used to ask me that when I was in NYC. Rem on the other hand never thought anything of it or at least wouldn’t ask me in the kind of  tones  Stewart used, but then he agreed it was a ‘good idea’.

PV 1:14: throw in your lot among us, we will all have one purse” —

Although Jim  left the commune he stayed  in touch. WE received an another announcement from Stewart. We were to turn in our salaries so we could take advantage of the new tax exemption we received when renaming the church.

WE would then have one person buy food in bulk and everyone would benefit. Once the money started rolling in,they started buying warehouses and said that we would renovate them and live in them.

They closed the Center City fellowship and we had to move to surrounding fellowships. I had some lambs in South Phili, a married couple who owned and store and the wife needed help running the store since she was having a baby soon.They had a small studio apt in the back of the store and offered it to me in exchange for working there. Since CC was closed and I had some furniture that I brought when I moved into the FF, I accepted and moved in. It was a mini fellowship and yet big enough to hold bible studies.

Terry Allen a young lamb, came with me as she was one of Jim’s lambs that I was looking after at the time. She stayed overnight a few times but then went to Upper Darby . She had asked one time to see Jim again. She knew where he lived and her way around Phili, so I took her there one afternoon. We had a nice visit and tried to persuade him to come back to fellowship. He was hanging out with Mike Romanoski who also left the fellowship. He warned me that the COBU was getting out of hand and that I’d be better off severing ties. I gave him my address and told him that he and Mike were welcome to come over any time and also about the Saturday night meetings in Camden. I told them that  things were changing in COBU and will be getting better.

I didn’t have a phone but had use of the one in the front store  for quick calls to the Camden headquarters fellowship  while working to give and get updates and arrange for rides to the Saturday night Center Meetings..

My boss’s wife was soon to give birth and so I was on my own with the store. It was a small corner convenient store, sparsely stocked but had a game room and young people came to shoot pool. It gave me a a chance to witness while working. The place had potential for spiritual growth.I had lambs meet there on Saturday evenings and COBU would send a van to pick us all up to go to the Center Meeting now being held in a dingy dirty old warehouse in Camden.

At one such Meeting, the new Center Leader from Detroit commenced imparting Stewart’s new rules which included no longer trusting older brothers and sisters and that all older brothers and sisters were no right with God so they were making changes and sending them to this place in NYC referred to at the time as the PIT make them crucify their flesh, saying that all had become too comfortable and not as on fire for Jesus as they once may have been and that we all needed to be retrained.

This was very disturbing not only to me, but to my lambs who began defending me and some others and saying that we all shouldn’t be judged without being heard. He was saying how the fellowship  leaders were backslidden and needed to go to MTC or the PIT.  He quickly countered that to have such support belonged to no one other than Stewart and that proved why the lambs needed to be shown not to trust any fellowship leaders. I was a group leader but they hadn’t sunk to that level yet of forced compliance to go. hey were trying to sell the NYC location saying it was going to also be for training those faithful to better be able to serve Jesus, but that the older ones were going to be separated till they were retrained and could be made trustworthy.

When we were on our way back home several new lambs told me that they didn’t want to go back to the warehouse for meetings but wanted to remain saved.  Some said they weren’t able to relocate to NYC and that they wanted to know if they could remain faithful in any Phili area churches, so I contacted some youth ministers and found churches they could go to check out and gave them the contact info.

They didn’t like the Center Leader’s message and that we should all go to see Stewart , that he couldn’t possibly have sent out such an order since it was not biblical. We thought this new leader was a megalomaniac and that it was him and not Stewart making all the sudden changes. We were still giving Stewart the benefit of the doubt and hoped to reclaim the Phili Center which had been in upheaval since Rem left. We didn’t realize that this Center Leader was only following orders .

I got a call at work that this leader wanted to see me and talk to me. I thought that maybe this was going to be a chance to talk things out and perhaps come to an understanding . He sent over a man & wife & children, the former fellowship leader of Atlantic City to bring me to Camden.This former fellowship leader didn’t want to move into the Camden warehouse. It was discussed between them before bringing me that they could get me to take their place and move into my apartment.

When we arrived in Camden the C Leader informed me that there was a decision made that my mini-fellowship was doing well enough but that I was needed to move to the Camden warehouse. I told them that I couldn’t since my boss was about to have a baby and I was obligated to stay where I was since that was also my job and home. He told me that this F leader and wife  could take my job and apt over and that the obligations I made would be met by them instead of me. I told them that I had to think about it as I didn’t want to go to the warehouse and pointed out that when I among several others were left to fend for ourselves as homeless when he closed the Pine St. Center City fellowship we had shared together. I said it wasn’t fair that what I had to go and work for on my own be taken away from me  and that it wasn’t biblical either. He then got mad and told me that I didn’t have to move into the warehouse in Camden, that instead I was now having to go to the PIT , the following morning.  I refused and said I was going to keep my apartment and my job and that they were my lambs not his… He said they were Jesus lambs and not mine~!

He then told the the AC fellowship leader and family to leave and go to my apartment that he would take care of everything. I was forced to stay in Camden while everything I owned was back at my apartment! He stopped talking at me and went to bed. I sat up for hours on the front steps, devastated , penniless and wondering what to do. It took all the strength I could muster to walk away. I didn’t even know my way around Camden or how to get back to S.Phili to my apartment, but finally all I could hear in my mind was ,”Rise and walk!”… so I did.It was fearful, late at night, my mind was racing, that this was rebellion and therefore witchcraft… that even if I was right, I was wrong for leaving… I was turmoil as I wandered the streets of Camden.

A police car stopped me since I was alone and it was so late at night, asking me where I was going and I told them back to S.Phili but I had no money for a bus or train since I was brought by car and didn’t know my way home. They gave me a ride and began questioning me about the COBU saying that had all sorts of reports on them about kidnapping and brainwashing. I told them that was not so and defended it with the exception of some people  like this c Leader which to me at least supported my deluded concept that there was no brainwashing going on at the time because people could still think and decide for themselves, just as I did by leaving. They let me go and placed me on a train that went to Center City. From there I walked down to S Carpenter St to my apt.

It was about 2am and I arrived home. My door was locked so I knocked. Rick[the fellowship leader from AC] answered my door but wouldn’t open it. It was the middle of the night, dangerous for me to be outdoors but still , he told me to ‘go away’ and that I was not welcome there!

I couldn’t believe it. He was in my apartment locking me out. After  I repeatedly knocked and he kept telling me to leave and go to NYC , I called the police and my landlord.

Rick told the police that I was backslidden and rebelling and that I  belonged in NYC and that this was now his apt that Bob, the C Leader told him so.

The police verified with my landlord that it was my apt and told Rick they didn’t care what my religious beliefs were, that they were there to settle our dispute over the apt.

Rick  still  insisted then that it was his as he and his family were living there and his children were fast asleep inside. Janice his wife stood by silently as he was in control not her.

I told the police that I could prove it was my apt and proceeded to show them all my belongings in there and that if it wasn’t my apt then why would pictures of me and my family and my clothes be there! The police looked around and saw that even my twin folding bed was obviously not big enough for 2 people and that all the surroundings were that of a woman with no signs of things that belonged to a man or children.

The police told Rick they didn’t believe him and asked me what I wanted to do since this had something to do with my religious leaders.

I said that Rick wasn’t my leader nor was Bob and that I cant trust either, told Janet I was sorry but she was going to have to take their children and they had to leave.

Rick pleaded with the police saying that they had no where to go and that they needed to stay and that the C Leader  would come in the morning and straighten it all out . The police said it was up to me and I felt sorry for the children  but had to tell them to go back to Camden, that they couldn’t stay with me, after locking me out and lying to the Police.

I told Rick they shouldnt have any trouble getting into the Camden fellowship as the door was unlocked.

I knew that with Police involved I had burned a bridge . I was sickened by everything that took place. I called Jim H and told him he was right about them and what they did overnight. He said not to worry that he would get a hold of Mike and they would be right over. They came and we talked all day. They were trying to show me that I could still serve Jesus but didn’t have to do it in the COBU and that the COBU  had changed for the worse and was not biblical anymore.I told them I wasn’t sure if Stewart was behind it or not since Bob the C Leader was so maniacal, I needed further proof and that  it meant going to NYC and finding out for myself. They said they would come along if I was going to Stewart.

We all agreed to go to the upcoming Big Meeting that was going to be held in NYC  a week later in July of 76. I stayed in contact with the Center Leader in Camden giving him the names and addresses of those who needed to be picked up at places other than my apartment/mini fellowship.  I told him that before considering moving to NYC  I needed to see what I was getting into or not.

I also told him that I got Jim and Mike Romanoski to agree to come to the Big Meeting and they came over at the specified time.We had no address as to where this BIG meeting was taking place but waited for the fellowship van to come so we could convoy with them. They never showed up and we had no way to get to the Big Meeting. Mike left and went home and Jim said he wanted to go to the Bicentennial Parade. Another girl with us Mary came along but left us at the parade. the Phil Bicentennial parade was the most talked about in the nation. It was huge! We did some witnessing and headed back to the apt. Jim brought his stereo and said that it was OK to listen to music and that since we were  out of the COBU we needed to realize that allot of things were OK and not sin or indulging in the flesh. I was not sure but started to realize just how many self restrictions I was willingly living under and in fact as the days passed just how enslaving those restrictions were.

Several days later, some of my lambs returned to visit that had gone to the Big Meeting but were told that I had backslid  along with Jim Hurley and Mike Romanoski ! I couldn’t believe it. I felt so betrayed and wanted to clear it up, but no one in Camden would listen. Bob & Rick had lied to NYC about me and to the others in the center.I was out…Looking back now, they did me a favor!

I left a few weeks later as well and returned to NYC  top my parents home and told them what had happened in Phili and that I had to go straighten things out with the COBU and so I left and went to NYC to plead my case. I went to a meeting and then another and at a third I had hoped to talk to Stewart but didnt. Instead he was made aware  that I had been coming  but-living home on Staten Island at my parents, having not ‘moved in’ and I was pointed out to him.the meeting commenced and he occasionally glared at me from across the room filled with about 300 people.

The he spoke to me, or rather at me, like a thunderous voice of the almighty pronouncing sentence on me. I thought he would be fair, but instead without ever talking to me he pronounced sentence and told others not to be like me and that I was not to fool them and that I was heading to commit suicide if I didn’t return and submit.

He then said it again, more personal that I  had to know that I was going to commit suicide!…I thought to myself , what had they told him? How could he be so misinformed? I needed a chance to talk personally but it wasn’t granted. I left and took public transportation home to Staten Island.

I wasnt finished yet, thought I needed to talk to some old center leaders from NYC , ones that kew  me. I thought  if I could talk to Dave Rizzetto that I could find some justice and if I were to rejoin it would only be under ones I knew from the beginning.

I contacted a fellowship in Staten Island and went over to ride along to a center meeting being held in Jersey. It was there that I found out Dave was also in the MTC and Jeff was speaking in his place. I didn’t know Jeff and he only knew what he heard about me. He was cordial at first and listened to my whole account of what happened in Phili.

I tried to explain to Jeff at the Cobu why I wouldnt surrender my apt to the Center Leader and Rick , and that the rumors about me were untrue at least at that time in my life… he listened as though he was ‘listening’, but when all was said and done, he spoke the words that pierced my heart…

I had at that point remained faithful  to Jesus , even though I had quit the Cobu in Phili, I was still looking after my lambs and was not backslidden, but had been tried and convicted in abstention.

I admitted that I had previous mental trials concerning Jim back in the Spring as I was attracted to him but he simply wasn’t attracted to me…. but now to hear Jeff say to me that inspite of your ‘reputation’ was as  though all the rumors were believed to be true!….I think you should come back!…’

I snapped inside. I was devastated, hurt, insulted, justified, angry and knew I couldn’t return to COBU, that I would be treated like all the ‘others who were untrustworthy’ and was disappointed.  I saw the end of an era in my life, the end of ever living in fellowship again.

Col3:21: Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.

I thought to myself, ‘yeah I will come back…sure .. but not until I have lived out that labelthey put on me and might even have a baby along the way since they probably would never let me marry anyone anyway …. since developing relationships was nearly impossible in the Cobu let alone having a baby, since we celibate and …still I thought I had a better chance of making a life on the outside.Eph6:4: Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Fueling my indignation and  justifications  I remembered how some others had left , got married and then went back… that I too was going to go ‘my’ way and hope then to be forgiven later, but for the moment I was going to go back to the life I knew before I  was saved.

I didn’t think I could lose my salvation by leaving COBU and I couldnt. It took sin on my part.

But I could lose it by being alone and without the direction of the Holy Spirit and falling prey to the lures and enticements of this life, the pride of life and giving into  my own fleshly desires. I didn’t give in all at once, it was a gradual process of decay.

Genesis 3:1 TNIVRead this chapter
[ The Fall ] Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the LORD God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?”

Genesis 3:2 TNIVRead this chapter
The woman said to the serpent, “We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden,

Genesis 3:4 TNIVRead this chapter
“You will not certainly die,” the serpent said to the woman.

Genesis 3:13 TNIVRead this chapter
Then the LORD God said to the woman, “What is this you have done?” The woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.”

In my mind, I was  rebelling from COBU  as not rebelling from Jesus. At first I began giving myself little liberties that were no guilt, like buying a small piece of steak to cook at home instead of liver or hamburger. Gradually I would eat out in restaurants, picking other than value meal items. Then I began to drink , since after all Jesus drank. trying to fit into the main stream proved very difficult as I was away from the world for nearly 2 yrs and didn’t fit in.

Looking for jobs, initiallyI took on housecleaning jobs and waitressing. My mother, of all people, reminded me of what a good ‘bar tender’ I used to be and suggested that as a way for me to make money faster, so I could get myself an apartment. Although I was appalled initially at the idea, I simply wasnt making enough money to save for my own place, so I started out in working in bar/restaurants settings with female owners thinking it safer. That was the beginning of  the end to being faithful.

Proverbs 16:25 NIVRead this chapter
There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death

Soon I looked up my ex fiance and tried to pick up where we left off when I joined the FF. He was secretly bitter and wanted revenge but acted like he was glad I finally came to my senses and returned to him. I was gone nearly 2 yrs and he waited for me. He couldn’t believe however that life in the FF/Cobu was celibate and had all sorts of rage issues and jealousy. I thought I could just wlk back into this man’s life pick up and get married but he had other ideas.

Suffice to say, it ended with him leaving me for another woman , both she and I were pregnant and he chose to stay with her and married her saying the Cobu ruined me and I simply wasn’t ‘fun’ anymore. Ten days later I had a miscarriage.

My so called Christian life now came full circle, I was like a dog returning to my own vomit…I achieved a totally backslidden state and accepted the fact that I was going to hell and no one could tell me otherwise.

Although I no longer saw Jim, we kept in contact by mail as friends and I  could occasionally seek his advice. Jim  hadn’t displayed any attraction towards me, so I went on with my life, getting involved and engaged twice  with unsaved men over the next few years, had two children, both relationships gone bad, both related to my confusion over my new Christianity and parameters in re-adjusting to the world after leaving the COBU.  So  there I was a  single mom working all sorts of hours and no longer dating, alone, condemned , guilty as charged.

Why did I do it? In trying to break the grasp in my mind from Cobu…I was hurt, confused, angry, bitter, as well as enticed and lured by my own desires to be married and have children….

3] You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.

I wanted a life in this world that  I  felt I wasn’t entitled to, but was going ahead anyway, like trying to take the kingdom of heaven by force…

My Christianity was a roller coaster ride  in those early years. I am writing this account to show how bad it got and later how wonderfully God delivered me from all my mistakes and trials. For now I will focus on my  life early on and the mistakes I made. Back then I couldn’t consider that Jesus loved me and so I went my own way into darkness.

I eventually started going back to church ‘for my kids sake’ but was an outsider both because of the type of religious training I had had in the commune and my shame at being a single mom.I didnt fit in as a parent since I wasnt married, nor as a single as I was a parent.

I tended to stay in the nursery with my kids to listen to the services.Even though many didnt know me or my circumstances , no one ever reached out to me neither.I felt like I was still going to hell, but maybe if I continued going to church and renounced the sin in my life that God would save my children and I was willing to settle for that.

After a few yrs Jim started showing interest in me and telling me not to try to ever go with an unsaved man again unless I wanted to keep having children by men who didn’t understand me and would leave me, like their fathers had done and then he began making jokes about getting married.

He said my kids needed a father and as a friend , he had stood by me during both pregnancies and breakups. He said he knew me better than anyone else did in my life. I started to think about how much I liked him back in the COBU and thought it would be a dream come true if he would come and marry me and that I would be happy and feel  ‘right’ with Jesus.

He’d tell  me to come back to Phili and he’d marry me. I told him to come to NYC and I’d marry him… I was afraid to go to him but I did see hope for a future and started going back to church ‘religiously’…

Our friendship continued but his interest peaked when I met a guy at a church that asked me to wait for his divorce to be final and wanted to marry me.

This peaked  Jim’s interest in me fro afar. I wasnt convinced that waiting for this other guy was right or wrong, but he was the only one that reached out to me while I was attending church and never acted inapppropriately towards me and was very interested in my children.

Seemed once Jim knew I might be getting married, he made a decision and came to NYC and started seeing me every day, always dazzling me with his vast knowledge of the bible and how important it was for people with similar beliefs to be married as opposed to ones that had different beliefs, citing our common roots in the commune . I also knew being an X-boo was a bond we shared already. It didn’t take much to convince me that he was a man of God , even if life was hard on him.

He told me I owed it to my kids to only marry a man that would ‘accept the whole package’ and that the other guy I was sort of waiting for, could never understand me the way he did.

The guy told me that he didnt like Jim & Jim told me he thought the guy was a phoney. I was wanting a father to my children and acceptance at church by not being a single mom anymore. I had several homeless people living with me and we all were going to an Assembly of God together. I hoped that when Jim came that we would have our own church group and everything that was wrong would be made right.

[ Shortly after arriving in NYC  it was obvious that Jim was actually depressed ,by his behavior,  but since I had been depressed til recently & rededicated and going to church,  I thought he would be restored soon and then we would have a fellowship and serve Jesus together  and get married.

I didnt want an unsaved man, but thought that once stopped  drinking that he would be ready to serve Jesus and that I could help him in doing so.

Initially, Jim wouldn’t go to church with me or even on his own. He would tell me that church was a waste of time and that they never could understand scripture or witnessing right.I went to church less and less.

It took almost a year of listening to Jim and his views. He  had a personal relationship with Jesus, was living under grace but had trouble with drinking making him arrogant, sometimes rude, condescending.

It was a bit  confusing however since he deliberately acted contrary to everything  he knew to be right. He had discernment but was leading us in a new direction without a ‘religious spirit’ and that perhaps his unusual behavior was to show me that Jesus didnt want me to try to be ‘religious’.

I was a bit  double minded in my heart as I still was very much drawn to Jim and felt I was in love with him. It was over a year in passing  before we became intimate after drinking wine heavily one weekend. We blamed it on the drinking we had done.

I was about to go away on Monday   upstate NY on prearranged vacation to see some old friends and left the day after our encounter.

He called me every day up there and wanted me to hurry home. [We shared a 2 family house, each our own apt]I told my girlfriend upstate that although I knew it was wrong to have gotten intimate with Jim, but that I had thought he was ‘the one’ and only for me. [ I also felt considering all the sin I had in my life to date, that God would ‘fix it’ for me] How I regret those decisions! the devil is the accuser of the brethren, throws our sins in our faces to bring us further into despair and towards our destruction…

I was in love.

James 1:15 NIVRead this chapter
Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.

Jim was  good with my kids and they loved him too.

I thought God would ‘work out the details’ and that once we were married, everything would be alright.It didn’t occur to me that we wouldn’t get married,  for another few years.[the devil waves bait but doesnt deliver!] I had convinced myself that our troubles  were secondary to his drinking and that once he stopped drinking that we both could get our lives together.

Passage 1 John 3:20:
20whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.

Well that week apart for vacation affected me much differently than it had Jim. I  was more willing to overlook my guilt on the hope it would be forgiven by marrying Jim.

By the end of the week he felt so badly that he told me that it had been a mistake and that we should go back to being ‘friends’, which hit me kind of hard. I was already pregnant but just as soon as I had the positive test, within a week I had miscarried. [I wrongly felt was God’s judgement against me]

This caused more problems, more guilt, bitterness and confusion as he seemed detached and said he didn’t believe I was ever pregnant in the first place but trying to trap him.He was drinking heavier and didn’t want to discuss the weekend we sinned together.

He continued to live in the apartment upstairs but had a lot of guilt and got  into more drinking, couldn’t hold down  a   job and felt  that it was  my fault he was there, that he had come to NYC ‘for me’  but that as a Christian he wasnt sure that Jesus wanted him to  remarry since he was divorced [and yet he didnt leave].That was way back in 1981. The kids were attached to him and he missed his own daughter from his previous marriage.

I helped him get a few odd jobs, but he seemed less than enthusiastic about working and got more into avoiding work and hadn’t paid rent for several months. This was getting really difficult for me, as I paid for the whole house and sublet to him, so I had to pay his rent but he wouldn’t move. I wanted to go back to church but I felt like such a hypocrite.I was a hypocrite.

PV22:24: Make no friendship with a‘> man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man,

PV 29:22: A man of wrath stirs up strife, and a‘> man given to anger causes much transgression.

He  became more reclusive and screened every person who came to my apt, isolated himself and eventually me from my few friends and was becoming a real burden, making me feel obligated to support him.

I started going to college and he didn’t like it that I wasn’t around for him to talk to as much.

He  loved to talk, but it was always kind of  one sided, like lectures, however he had some interesting ideas from the Bible and I felt that even being depressed, that if he stopped drinking and got committed more to God that perhaps he could make a great teacher or evangelist and make our relationship right by getting married.I  knew once I had been with him that I  was bound to him since he was a Christian,even if he wasnt following Jesus the way most would have expected.

He used to tap my phone line  to his apt and began making a lot of long distance calls trying to figure  out what he should  as to whether to go back to Phili or stay in NY .

He said it was all my fault for’ inviting’ [nearly 21 months earlier] him to NYC and the calls he was making to Phili were to try and arrange to get a job and work down there so he could leave.

I felt bad for his emotional plunge and guilt from that one encounter we had the year before, but was tired of having to ‘take care of him’.

I couldn’t move on as long as he was there and just the thought of dating anyone else was out of the question, so he was subtly taking over my life! [with no emotional benefits etc.]

We talked a long while and I tried to stay cold towards him telling him it just didn’t work out between us and that I couldn’t live the way he had established our relationship. Then he reminded me that I was the one who told him years ago I liked him and that I had invited him to NYC and that I was the one who fell in love with him and how that had changed his life and that he didn’t want to lose me.

I attributed his  behavior to his drinking and conflicting religious beliefs, that haunted him most of his life, although he continued to seek to understand the Bible until the day of his death in 2009

Passage 1 John 3:20:
20whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.

I have learned that you cant take the kingdom of Heaven by force. You cant indulge in the pleasures of sin for a season and not reap the consequences.

It is true that what you sow, so shall you reap. I have also learned that God is just and merciful and that when you truly repent as did the prodigal, the Lord welcomes you back and restores the years that the locusts have eaten.

I have experienced the love and mercy of God in my life and praise Him for granting me repentance and forgiveness .

[End this chapter. not sure when I will continue along this train of discussion…]

Bottom Line: Through it all, I have learned more about the nature of Jesus, His mercy, compassion and care for mankind including me. I rely on Him , trust in Him and live through Him. I no longer am swayed by various doctrines and man made gimmicks or arguments. I am content to take one day at a time and have that peace that surpasses understanding. Know Jesus & Know Peace.

Seek Him and He will find you 🙂  GBU~! Ave