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How easy is it for a military strategist to kill and get away with it?


UPDATE 2016> ALTHOUGH ‘SHE’ GOT AWAY WITH IT LEGALLY – SHE DIED JAN 30 2016, OF CANCER, JUST 2 DAYS AFTER THE 7TH ANNIVERSARY OF HIS DEATH.

Although I am not afraid of any personal liability in this matter, because the investigation is technically still ‘open’, I have changed the name of the person I believe is guilty of this crime….

 

BEVERLY is a fictitious name and the military branch she belongs to has been generically changed to MILITARY and her deployment location was changed to not indicate where she was deployed to when overseas as well as the other overseas  military place she was at with Jim [ whose name she changed while they were legally married!]  Other names are merely first names and last names have been omitted.

IF BEVERLY is ever prosecuted successfully, I will then reveal all the names involved here…but she planned it so carefully, patiently over a course of 5 years that it is likely she will never be brought to justice~! Basically she already got away with it~!

Well things have been upsetting so far.

No progress as the case is going no where.She even wrote a book on manipulative strategies on controlling people when she was a captain in the military back in the 90’s… planned murder was an experiment for her to use her theories and put them in motion with someone she thought didnt matter.

The DA has a 100% conviction rating, which means short of a confession, he wont even file any charges against Jim’s internet MILITARY wife! She  managed to talk her way out of being held accountable~!

So the lesson to be learned here is that  if you want to kill someone, do it in Alexandria Virginia and you will most likely get away with it. as long as you are patient and document it to look innocent! Be sure to plan it out thoroughly  before picking your victim~

Jim met her over 5 yrs ago on the internet on a chat site.

He was recently divorced, out of work on disability and living alone in senior citizen housing.  He had been an alcoholic and was on a DUI probation. She offered to even pay off his fines and clear the decks for him to eventually join her on her ‘web’…

He was a perfect candidate for this Pentagon Predator , who hated her own father for molesting her as a teen causing her to live on the streets before joining the military.

She purposefully sought out someone on the internet,  she thought no one would care about as she was in her mid 40’s single and probably a dyke. Don’t ask, don’t tell!!!

She said she  wanted to change her name to make her look like a normal married woman,  so she told Jim and that she would pay him to be her internet husband~!

At  first, he didn’t even have to live with her, just go to a JP and she would pay him.. So he did, even though she already beat him up once when visiting him , leaving him with a broken collar bone. She later bought him some gifts and gave him some more money, so he never pressed  charges, since she was his benefactor.

10 months later she convinced him she would give him more money IF he would join her, so he did. That was the beginning of the end for him.

He then suffered more spousal abuse from her and his pride caused him to suffer in secret, til he began telling his kids about it a few years ago.

Society looks at domestic violence as a man abusing a woman. When it is the other way around, most law enforcement agencies don’t take it seriously and look down on the abused man – so much that most won’t report it or admit it…They just suffer it..

Other men will say they deserve it if they let a woman get over on them like that! Most men are embarrassed and ashamed and live depressed isolated lives til their abusers finish them off!

BEWARE OF INTERNET PREDATORS~!!

EVEN LONELY OLD MEN FALL VICTIM TO NARCISSISTIC BUSINESS WOMEN WHO WILL INSURE THEM AND THEN CAUSE THEM TO DIE~!

In recent times it has become more fashionable for women to kill their husbands ~ even more so to marry old men for a few years and insure them, and cause them to have an accident or aggravate their medical conditions to cause them to die prematurely..Then these merry widows cry all the way to the bank! Most get away with it.

Last year however I heard on the news in California how 2 women were successfully prosecuted for this scam and caused their unwitting husbands deaths…

For the last 2 yrs of his life, “JIM”  sought a way be free from and to divorce this sociopathic woman and find some peace in his old age, but that wasnt to be had.

Usually it is women that are victims of domestic violence and many stay in abusive marriages because they are financially dependent on their abusers, as Jim now was!

Jim finally got the nerve up to consider seeking a divorce or at least a legal separation. He needed his medical insurance however for his diabetic supplies and doctor’s visits.

Jim had his daughter, look up Virginia divorce law for him and started saving every email his internet bride sent him, that would show the kind of mental abuse she was putting him through.

His daughter said that even if he didnt want to get the divorce, that he could live with her and her husband at their military base in California as his TRICARE would be acceptable there as well and he could get the now needed medical treatments he desired.

After 5 yrs of marriage to this woman who hated and abused him privately, but socially looked clean and innocent to others.

Then his diabetes got worse and he was going into renal failure since last July08 and  BEVERLY kept him a virtual emotional prisoner in their apt.

This way she didnt have to worry about any divorce settlement and wouldn’t be stuck supporting him if he left to live with his daughter.

She wouldn’t even leave him cabfare to go anywhere as he got dizzy often and had swollen legs ,so he couldnt walk far, unassisted, so he couldn’t go to doctors, unless she brought him. She openly told family members that  she was refusing to bring him anymore doctor’s appointments!

They had been talking divorce for over several months prior to his last illness and he asked for a settlement to leave her and she said she would see him dead before ever giving him a penny.She meant every word!

When she was deploying for 6 months to WARZONE  in July 2007  for 6 months, almost a year prior to the onset of his kidney disease.

They signed mutual Wills in which he only read the clause she had pointed out that said his kids would get whatever he was entitled to as well as his personal effects. He didnt read the other parts that basically negated that.

He said didn’t read til after she left for overseas duty, that the kids only get something, if she died over there, that he would become her heir, so he signed everything.

He got mad later on after reading the fine print realizing he was being deceived and started talking divorce via phone and email to her and it was decided they would wait til she returned but she made it clear she wanted nothing more to do with him and she was finished with him.

Her net worth was over a Million dollars due to her skills in investment and her tightwad spending habits and his own life insurance policies totalled over $100,000- She made over $100,000 a year and never bought a house and saved most of her money.

She had an investment portfolio for her retirement and as she nears her retirement, she was now ready to rid herself of the man she lured on the internet to become another of her investments, whose return was his life insurance. Before marrying him, she baited him with saying 1/2 of all she had would be his as well![like hell~!]

She tricked him into agreeing and signing all her papers, since she was going to a secure base as an administrator and was never to see any combat anyway.

He mused about being her benficiary but prayed for her safe return. Although she had once broke his collar bone and hit him other times, he didn’t think she would actually kill him, so gambled his time with her and remained in that abusive relationship in quiet desperation biding his time.

Her plan was set in motion even back then!

She found an old man in a chat room, lured him in to become her dependent, a way to vicariously punish her own father whom she claimed had sexually abused her as a teen and whose mother didn’t believe her and kicked her out at 16 yrs old.

She had mental problems and became sociopathic!

She wanted her parents acceptance but also revenge, vicariously through punishing and killing another old man.

She would  get even with her abusive father, by taking it out on Jim, the substitute whipping boy!

All she had to do was wait him out, when he developed the kidney failure, not obtain any dialysis or medical treatments for him and he was doomed to die within 3-6 months.

When we offered to take him for treatment she told us okay but told him she would sue him for abandoment and that he would get nothing from her unless he agreed to stay and not involve his family anymore.

He finally was going to accept our help when he began to feel sick, but then she pushed his death up sooner by harming him in ways that didnt show readily on autopsy and fell within the prognosis of her doctors, whom he said he didnt trust.

She refused to bring him to any more doctors for treatment after he went for a second opinion last August to our doctor. He was told to go over to the hospital up here for labs and return the next morning to our doctor but she didnt bring him for the labs and took him back to Virginia to die a slow painful death since she documented he would die within 6 months without dialysis and said he didnt want to return to her doctors, so they verified that.

She also made a staged  memorable commotion at her doctor’s office last July, pretending to plead with Jim to get the dialysis right away, while letting him know how he was going to be at her mercy from then on.

She then stalled his other future  medical treatments by cancelling appts and telling them, he didnt want to go even though he kept asking to go to the doctors.

She told me by phone that she didnt have time to take him to doctors as she had to work, so I offered back in Nov2008 to help out.

She said he would have to decide and he later told me that she would cut  him off if he had us help him and he knew we couldnt afford to support him, so he was stuck at her mercy and whim.

Then when Katy decided to fly in from California to take him out of there and move him to her place, BEVERLY pretended she was getting him help so she would look like a dutiful wife and got a hospital bed the day before he died,pictures show she must have beat him up and confined him.

Since Christmas, he told us he wanted to get the dialysis right and James even offered him a kidney in early January and called our doctor who said it was still possible as he was allowed to go onto the kidney transplant list up to age 70, but BEVERLY had lied and told him that the cutoff was 60 and that it was too late for him and that he was soon going to be with Jesus, sarcastically.

I have phone records of over 120 calls he made to us here that he discussed what she was up to and warned us that if anything happened to have it investigated. I told him that anytime he wanted to bail out of there, that we were 5 hours away and would get him out fast, but apparently not fast enough.

He was walking and talking on Mon 1/26 and Katy told him she was flying in on Fri 1/30 to get him. Up til then he had been sleeping on a floor like a dog as BEVERLY and him had been fighting since she was in  WARZONE and more once she returned.

She is a cold blooded narcissist that claims she was molested by her father when she was a teen and her mother kicked her out to the streets. She must have been sociopathic even back then and perhaps her own mother recognized that in her when she kicked her out!

She finished school and joined the MILITARY and was married briefly 2 other times and when she met Jim online , he was 60 and she was about 40.

She talked him into getting married, saying she only wanted to change her name and paid him $50 a day to do so initially, until she conned him into going to OVERSEAS ISLAND  and began the abuse and mind games.

His diabetes had caused him to totally stop drinking and he was into health foods and when they returned they lived in Alexandria Va.

Since she was out most of the time, he took care of her cats and had his own computer, electronics and was basically kept never having to go out as all his food was delivered in . He found life tolerable while she was away.

She received an allotment of spousal support from the military for him, so he became her dependent which was what she had offered him in the beginning, but she cut off giving any money once he moved in with her.

Then he was stuck on her spider’s web with her, as his SSI was cut off and she discarded most of his belongings,including his furniture, so he had no way to start over without help.

They gave some of his things to James who was always ready to let him come and live with him, but James moved in with me and so Jim didnt want to cause any more problems so he chose to stay with BEVERLY for the time being until Katy said he could live with them.

BEVERLY abused him and even beat him up occasionally, [april 2003 she broke his collar bone and gave him a black eye!] but he wouldn’t call police, as he was too embarrassed and getting weaker, so he told Katy more about what BEVERLY was doing so Katy looked up Virginia divorce law and when

BEVERLY hacked his email, she read about their plan to take him to California for treatment and to live at Camp Pendleton with Katy and her husband David & their baby.

BEVERLY deleted all his files holding the emails where she made threats against him that he was saving for a divorce lawyer to look at. She was good at hacking into other people’s email. She also changed computers annually so that hard drives were lost, always deleting or erasing his life as they went along. She also refused to call him by his real name and called him Patrick instead….

One of those emails however he sent to Katy and she has forwarded it to me to send to the Alexandria Police Dept along with the phone records, story and photos of his death.

Katy said she had the time and they had medical facilities out there that his Tricare card would be accepted for treatment.

BEVERLY knew Katy was coming so she then hired a hospice to come in to attend his death. In Virginia, if a person is under hospice care, the police do not have to be notified when they die~ another part of her plan.

BEVERLY told Katy after he died that he didnt like the hospital bed that was delivered on Tues 1/27 and that she was up all night with him as he struggled to get out of the bed and apt., so that she had to take away the electronic bed controls, put up the guard rails and even barricade furniture all around it and block the door so he wouldn’t go out!

Why, we can ask and we believe he was trying to get away from her!

He told me a while back if anything went wrong [like if she was trying to kill him] he would do whatever it takes to get the hell out of there and to a hospital. She wasnt letting him do that as she had too much to lose had he lived and separated from her.

She would have had to pay his support had he gone to Katy’s.

When the hospice arrived next morningTues 1/27, for the first and last time, he was already semi comatose from his night’s ordeal and since they hadnt met him before thought it was the natural progression of his kidney disease and one hour later he was dead.

BEVERLY[his wife] took before and after pics of his death.

She told Katy he didnt want his oxygen, but he told Katy on Monday he was asking for oxygen as he ate alot of cough drops and was having a harder time breathing as he was swollen and scared that BEVERLY was up to something.

In the pictures taken by BEVERLY, before and after, his nose was swollen and bloody which raised alarms in us, as we could also see that his right hand knuckles were bruised or scuffed and bloodied and his arms above the elbows were bruised in a matching pattern.

It looked as though she might have even sat on his chest, pinning him down maybe to shove a pillow over his face and maybe her palm into his nose thus flattening it, depriving him of needed oxygen long enough to make him semi comatose.

He was wiped clean but had some blood showing still when the photos were enlarged!

He must have had quite a nose bleed, as one ear shows it was wiped, but not all blood removed,as did his nostrils and mustache had blood on them.

BEVERLYmay have  made a mistake of using a high resolution camera that when enlarged showed those details.

On the other hand, it may have been her way of bragging  about what she did, feeling confident that she had enough documentation in place to remove any suspicions the authorities may have had.

If he had been in such bad shape with his kidney failure, he couldn’t have struggled as much as she claimed,  and wouldn’t have needed to have been restrained. How could he have gotten out of bed anyway? Why was he trying to leave? He already said he was afraid of her!

Why didn’t she call an ambulance and let him go to the ER for his nose bleed or — how novel– if he was dying ??

WE believe his kidney failure wasn’t necessarily as  accute yet, since he often fooled his doctors in the past with higher than normal numbers in his bloodwork.

We believe his nosebleed was deliberate and keeping his bed lowered and depriving him of oxygen, lowering the back of his hospital bed & restraining him,  caused his Congestive Heart Failure to worsen and that contibuted significantly to  his sudden death.

I even told BEVERLY that in November when she said he would be dying soon  that he always had higher stats in his blood work for many years that baffled doctors.

I offered her back then to help and she said I could take him away but then she told him that if he left, she would stop his support.

He was also missing his frontal lobe from his car accident many years ago and had a big cyst in his forehead where his frontal sinuses were so instinctively always protected his face!

Why did she barricade him & terrorize him & restrain him with such force as to bruise him?

The Insurance policy making her sole beneficiary for $100,000 was motive enough~

She also had his back of the bed lowered with no pillows, so with congestive heart failure, he would have had a hard time breathing and that would have stressed his heart more. [I have congestive heart failure and can not lay flat without a drowning feeling of suffocation~]

Anyway, BEVERLY told Katy & me that the hospice worker asked if he wanted to make any last calls, but said that he didnt want to talk to any of his kids, but in the pictures it shows the phone and internet were out of reach as well as the controls of the hospital bed and that the Oxygen was also out of reach.

Jim talked with us all , every day when she was at work~ and if he was really dying , that he would have at least have wanted to have been on the phone with his beloved daughter, Katy,  til his dying breath!

Katy talked to her fatehr 2-3 times every day up til Mon 1/26.

Karen sent the hospice worker’s phone number to Katy and she gave it to me and I called and asked the woman how he died.

The hospice worker told me he was laying still when she arrived, with his eyes open and never said a single word to her!

That meant BEVERLY lied about him saying ‘ No ‘ to the worker about making phone calls.

BEVERLY made the hospice think she cared about Jim but needed his body removed immediately without the police being notified. Again no red flags?

The other hospice worker also ‘forged ‘the death certificate~ enabling his body to be removed without police notification, delivering it to the funeral parlor.BEVERLY also changed his clothes only a minute after his death..

Why we ask?

She then took more pictures of him and emailed them to Katy so she wouldn’t fly out on Fri 1/30~ The body was removed without any authority notifications. Reason enough wouldn’t you agree, if you planned on killing someone that is ~ ?

So just hire a hospice when you want to kill someone and make it look natural~!! They can help you get rid of the body, no questions asked…

The funeral director was told he had no family and that there were to be no announcements and that she wanted him cremated ASAP.

When I called the funeral director to ask if they had him there [ I called 8 funeral parlors looking for him] I was told my timing was odd as she was sitting before him when I called so he asked to call me back and he did.He said their was no viewing but we said we wanted to see him and were coming down there.

The only thing holding up the cremation, was that the death certificate was improperly signed by the hospice worker and not a doctor, so it had to be re-written and the hospice then had their on-call doctor sign th new cert based on his last doctor’s appt last July~ It was part of the plan as it enabled the body to be removed from the apt.

I brought James & Kyle and Jim’s sisters Kathleen and Dorothy to the funeral parlor on Mon 2/2 and they agreed his nose looked broken but that he arrived that way, so we notified police and had the DA go get the body for autopsy under suspicion of foul play.

Since he had many chronic medical problems which baffled doctors all his life and he was diseased, their autopsy showed no obvious foul play to cause his death.

His injuries could have been accidentally self inflicted.[???] Any explanation was acceptable to the police, since BEVERLY admitted nothing and had documents showing he would die without treatment and her claims that he didn’t want treatment!

They said the nose wasnt actually broken [even though the cartlidge was separated from his nose bone and it was twisted! They did toxocologies that will determine which organs failed first, but nothing is enough to charge BEVERLY with any wrong doing without witnesses.

We wanted to visit Jim numerous times over the last six months, but he always said that BEVERLY was giving him a hard time and that he didnt want to make waves. He didnt count on her getting violent with him, as she must have the night before he died. I think he thought he could get away if it got that dangerous, never expecting to be barricaded in a room in a hospital bed, unable to escape!

When his phone didnt answer on Tue 1/27, Katy became alarmed, as her last call was Mon 1/26 when he said he was afraid of BEVERLY and that she was up to something and that waiting for Fri 1/30 when Katy was coming was like playing ‘Beat the Clock’.

He had asked Katy that when she came that he wanted her to take him to the hospital to get his dialysis started, since BEVERLY wouldnt take him. Katy agreed to do so.

Jim said he couldnt speak or say what he wanted in front of Karen as she intimidated him . He hoped she would leave him alone long enough with the hospice workers when they were to come, so he would ask them to take him to the hospital.

He never got that chance as BEVERLY took off work and did all the talking for him to them.

Katy called me and James to go get him Tues 1/27 night but it was snowing heavily and the weather forecast said it was going to snow all day Weds 1/28 so we decided to go Thurs 1/29 to get him to a hospital, as Katy couldnt get there before Fri 1/30.

WE planned on getting him to an ER in Alexandria and that as soon as he could travel to bring him up here for initial treatment and then have him fly back to California with Katy when he was able.Katy was then going to change her flight to here.

Weds 1/28 his cell phone called me and I answered and it was BEVERLY telling me he was dead and that we didnt need to come for him! I told her we were coming on Thursday and she said she ‘knew’…She also called Katy, sent her email pictures and told her disturbing details.

I notified his family and they said they hadnt talked to him since Christmas and they wanted to see his body for closure,so I picked them up in Phili and we all went down to the funeral parlor for a private viewing where we saw it was obvious to us she had done something to him but he was scheduled for cremation the next day, so we had a hard time getting that stopped and told them what we suspected and that it would look almost natural since he did have kidney disease but we suspected she had partially suffocated him and that he cut his knuckles trying to defend himself.

We told the Police of the blood in his nostrils and his nose being flattened out looking like it was broken.

In the very least, it was long term elder abuse and neglect on BEVERLY’s part, in facilitating his death for the insurance policy.

She planned it all out very well and who knows who, she may have paid off, since she is a high up in the Pentagon~ a LT Col in the MILITARY in their xxxx  dept.

By him not getting treatment, he died far sooner than he would have naturally and she gets $100,000 for it, so had no reason to prolong his life since they couldnt stand each other!

I warned him 6 years ago that she was dangerous and he was a fool to trust her, but he thought he had it under control. I even told him never to let her insure him as she would probably kill him…because here she was a professional, successful  and 20 yrs younger than he. It made no sense she would want to marry such a poor old man from the internet.

Now it actually happened and she is getting away with it!

That prevents us from having any closure.

It nags at us, while she- the merry widow cries all the way to the bank! I wish had it had to happen that it would have happened in NYC ,where something more would have been done about it by the police.

The Alexandria Police seemed to have been dragging their heels when they heard she was a Lt.Col and he was socially a nobody. So ‘nobody’ deserves justice?

Our children and his sisters call me crying and demanding we do something but what can we do? I am only the former wife who divorced him and even took him to the plane when he went to live with BEVERLY 10 months after they were married on paper… he said he was going there to get an annulment but never returned.

She was a black widow and he got bit and devoured.

Who cares? Can it happen to anyone else??……..

She isolated him for the last 5 yrs from his family. She demeaned and persecuted him and only allowed him to visit his daughter once and sons 3 times. He leaves behind 5 children and 11 grandchildren , 2 sisters , a brother, his former wife and friend and other relatives. They cared and want justice for what happened to him, but in Alexandria Virginia, that may never happen..

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How should we pray to God and when and what to pray for??


We all are to pray and are equally ale to come before the throne of grace.

Our salvation is the gift and we are told to pray one for another and to pray without
ceasing.

Let everything that  has breath praise the Lord.
Reminded that there are many hindering spirits out therewhose job it is  to try and stop
us from praying as we should, along with a spirit of doubt and others that try to prevent us from approaching God in prayer.

We need to first resist the spirits  to doubt and fear and trust like Jesus did when he said he thanked his Father who hears his prayers always since Jesus told us greater things can we do as we follow him, prayer being our greatest weapon against evil we are told to ask for what we will without doubt or being double minded as the double minded receive
nothing from God.

When I finally began to pray more effectively, it was when I was healed back in 1987 along with my sons when I asked a pastor to pray for us as I felt my prayers wouldn’t be good enough or maybe not heard. I doubted! I was double minded.
The Holy Spirit however taught me a lesson that day, that those thoughts that go through our heads that tend to prevent us from praying as we should are from the devil to cause us to doubt or feel too unworthy or be double minded with disbelief or prejudging God’s
response so as to not feel sincere enough to commit to the prayer itself and simply ask our heavenly Father that whatever it is, if it be his will and not my own if he would like when dealing with Hezekiah, not necessarily answer my prayer because of my words but to
answer it for his name sake and glory. So I had to tell God that I was experiencing doubt and tld him that I believed but to help my unbelief.. He did! I prayed and accepted God’s mercy, humbly and was healed.

If praying with the motivation to seek what is pleasing to God for the person or request of the prayer, as long as it is to place the decision into the hands of God while trusting in his judgement to be as what will bring him glory and honor that I trust him to do what is
right regardless to how I see it since his ways arent my ways etc., that it makes it easy to pray for a right reason. WE are reminded to examine ourselves carefully, check our motives and to pray with right motives. We can even ask God to give us that right motivation and cleanse our speach- touch our tongues with that spiritual coal of fire of the Holy Spirit!

For example, I wouldn’t pray for a new mercedes benz or a new color tv or for something that I am jealous of that someone else has.[like that old song from the 70’s]i wouldnt pray for worldly treasures or to satisy mine or someone’s quest for power or position, although for example if there were a saved politician [?}I would pray that God’s will be done
in his life and that he be elected IF it will give God glory. I would also pray that if it is not God’s will that he not grant the request and trust him over myself.

I would pray for revelation of his will for me or others or spiritual wisdom in a matter to do what would be best and seek God’s will in different situations. I would pray for forgiveness, mercy, direction  and strength to do his will and that even in everyday life as attempting to live peacefully with all men that he be center and foremost in my decisions no matter how trivial they may be.

It is easy when caught up in day to day humdrum to neglect to pray or to put it off or even feel inadequate to present requests and to make them known before the Lord. He knows anyway, but waits for us to ‘ask’. That sometimes means swallowing our spiritual and or human pride.

Praying confidently and while trusting the Lord is something we all need to do and embrace as we are all told to pray without ceasing.

It is always easier to humanly surrender our tongues to our own minds and thoughts, but just as his thoughts arent our thoughts, neither are ours since the enemy is a whisperer always adding in his 2 cents to our minds in seeing negative or the wrong way to handle a
situation which will easily supply us with justifications [ hath God saids?] in order to appeal to our desires & lusts and thus cause us to sin, disappointment and even despair and guilt.

The Holy Spirit will convict us of our sins in order to bring about repentence. The devil however will slam us with guilt and shame and cause us to run and hide from God, breaking fellowship with him. Once estranged, we become targets easily sought, so even when we make a mistake and sin, we should still run right to the father and ask forgiveness and try to make peace with whomever we sinned against if possible.

One of the biggest word assaults we get from the enemy is to use snap judgements and to speak without thinking. How many times when say my temper was flared that I would blurt out an insult at someone that wasn’t in agreement with me! I think we all have done such at similar times..but the bible tells us to guard our words and to let our speech always be gracious and seasoned with salt.. a spiritual etiquette that most lack at some points in their daily struggles.

Humanly speaking, it is easier to ‘snap out’ and condemn someone than to try to understand them and or speak civilly to them to resolve a matter. Pride and temper cause us to make matters worse when we walk away without resolving the matter.
Communications is everything nowadays and miscommunications lead to most of the problems we experience with others.A brother can be more unyielding when they have been wronged or perceive that they have been wronged.

Flip the coin and we are reminded that it is better to suffer wrong than to retaliate, so ‘honing in’ on our spiritual walk and relationship with Jesus is an ever learning process for us all.

We are also told to be slow to speak, slow to anger but that too is an area that most of us have been weakened to at some point.

With all this and what we say and do, ever idle word we will be held accountable for, as we learn to speak right and edifying to one another, we should also find it easier to speak to our Lord and to be able to pray without ceasing as we continue to resist the devil and
therefore the impulses to mis-speak that he readily supplies to slip off our tongues in moments of frustration anger or weakness.

Learning to pray as we ought also teaches us to esteem one another as worthy since Jesus died for each of us. Suffering a wrong rather than making someone out to be an offender by perhaps the way they talk or appear is also a consideration as we are admonished not to judge by the obvious appearances but with right judgement and told to get logs out of our own eyes before we attempt to pluck a splinter out of someone elses, so again
let everyone be slow to anger and slow to speak and lets all guard our tongues and continue to pray for one another giving thanks always and rejoicing that God actually made it all very simple for us to serve him when we do it his way.~!

GBU~!
Ave

A Word from the Lord Jesus to whoever will listen……..


Who will hear what has been said?

Who will yield to fulfill My Word?

Who will stand when I bring this test?

Do not lean to the left or to the right!

Do not hide within the pit of shadows~

Come out from the shadows-

Stand before Me and walk!!

Walk in My Light, I am the Way~

Pick up your pace to follow Me.

Look up and behold ~ I make all things new!

The shadows vanish before the brightness of My Light.

Walk into My Light.

Do not stray to the left or to the right.

Follow Me!

Do not delay~

Who is worthy to be My servant?

Who is able to come to Me?

He who doesn’t bend his knee nor wink his eye to the shadows~!

Do not turn to the left or to the right!

Do not turn back into the shadows.

Walk into my light.

I make your path straight and narrow- it’s true-

I gird your loins with strength.

I give you sight to see My path.

I make your lameness vanish.

You hear My praise in your heart.

You hear My Words pass your lips.

You see My works by your hands.

Your labors will not be in vain.

Vanity for all who stray from My Light.

No striving after wind as you follow Me!

Don’t look away-

Who will swing his sword to defend My word?

Who will stand with Me and speak My glory?

Who will carry his brother into the chambers of My court?

Who will take the hand of the blind and say , “This is the way, let’s walk in it, together.”

Carry My brother, shout My arrival as I come & I come soon.

I am coming for you who have not departed from the way, who have not strayed

into the shadows.

Keep looking to the light , My light.

Keep walking on My path. My Way is the only Way.

I will lead you, I protect you.

Do not turn to the left or to the right.

Do not be frightened of what You see along the way

and in the shadows.

I have brought you and paid the price of your passage.

Discard your burdens for I have lifted them.

Let go , let go of your troubles as they will not come with you.

They hinder you from your walk. They draw you back to the shadows.

Do not lean to the left or to the right.

Do not look into the shadows.

Follow Me~! Seek Me~! Look to My Light.

Do not yield to the taunting voices.

Do not call upon the past~

I am the same , today, tomorrow and forever. I know My sheep .

Know me~! Come to Me~!

Take My hand~ Do not resist My Holy Spirit!

Do not delay. Do not wait to bury the dead,

I am alive forevermore. Where I am My servant will be also.

Be with me~

Do not look away- trust in Me.

Hear My voice- Listen to no others~

Shut the door to the shadows.

Let night not overcome you.

I have overcome the shadows……

I have looked into the Light.

I have not strayed from the path.

I have not bowed my knee to trials.

I have run the race and passed the finish……

I know the Way and am showing you, calling you, leading you , guiding you.

I protect you . My angels encamp about you.

Do not listen to the voices of the shadows~…….

If someone commits suicide, do they always go to hell???


Does everyone who commits suicide go to hell???
I look back to the sinner on the cross next to Jesus. His fate was
sealed, he was dying! He still was saved by Jesus…

I don’t condone suicide.Of course it is wrong, but what leads a person to commit it is as important as to why they commit it.

Whether they succeed [in killing themself]or are spared [failed suicide attempt] is another consideration.

God is the judge, not man as to where they go.Most forget that and pass judgements on those who commit suicide, usually erroneously damning them to hell, because we are told in the bible to not judge by the outward appearance but instead with right judgement… If we judged by appearance then that sinner on the cross alongside Jesus would have certainly gone to hell, but scripture tells us that Jesus promised him paradice. I rather believe Jesus over man…

When I was young, I have seriously tried it many times myself to be amazed that I woke up alive a few days later!!!

Many of the health issues I have today are results from past attempts,BUT I am hear to tell about it.

In fact before I was ‘saved’ by the grace of God, through Jesus sacrifice on the cross for my sins, I believed God was dead!! Now I know better.God is alive and well and coming to judge the living and the dead some day.

It was the early 70’s and the Viet Nam war was costing more and more lives, immorality was rampant,drugs everywhere….morals wre breaking down, ban the bra movement along with the hippie movement.. decadence was coming into power in our nation as values dissappeared.

At my job on Wall St., one day a black co worker named Jack Gaddy was on the phone and suddenly, screamed and fell to the floor crying inconsolably. He received the call no parent ever wants. His apt in Harlem had a fire and his two children aged 2 & 4 had burned to death.

My parents home burned down the Christmas before and I was able to save my brothers and sisters along with my older sisters help. I had nighmares however, wondering what it would have been like had we left one behind? We had 13 kids in the family back then and it could have
happened. Now this…

I went to the funeral.

2 babies burnt to death in an apt fire.

Other co-workers went as well and we were told we were there for support and reminded not to cry.

I stopped in a bar before entering the funeral home and downed a couple of scotches to help me keep control of my
emotions…

The minister was very emotional and said ” No longer will these children have to face the hustle and bustle of NYC- no longer have to face the trials and tribulations of this world“…. [and on and on]

After the funeral, I downed some more scotch to keep brave as I had done before the funeral…

Seeing those little white caskets sealed with those tiny babies dead inside, I railed at God saying “How could you do such a thing?” as I heard echos in my mind of that poor mother and grandmother screaming inconsolably at the funeral,” OH GOD GIVE ME BACK MY BABIES, GIVE ME BACK MY BABIES!!” it still echoes in my mind today..

That could have been my mother crying…

That night I went home and decided to go to ‘mass’ as I was then a Catholic and light some candles.

I couldn’t shake the emotionalism of that black Baptist funeral in Harlem…Those words of the minister rang in my mind…I had never been to what I would have called a ‘Protestant Service’ , but 2 babies belonging to a co-worker were dead and it was all too heartbreaking.

I didnt want to face the hustle and bustle of NYC either!!!

I didnt want to live in such a rotten world with a ‘god’ that let little babies die, so horribly and felt if he didnt spare them what hope would I ever have???

I knew suicide was a pass straight to hell according to Catholic belief. I wasnt certain if it existed or if we were all already living in it..but didnt want to directly try it.

After the mass, I was up front in the church and lit some candles to a Mother Mary statue and was saying some prayers with tears in my eyes…

I stared at the statue when suddenly I actually saw a smokey like vapor take form around the head and a figure swaying all about the statue as it was trying to keep praying and avoiding this vaporish apparition

I became intrigued as this apparition took form and was  tormenting the praying statue of Mother Mary…I saw that with prayer she was withstanding this assault.

I blinked my eyes to clear them and yet the apparition remained moving about the statue as the statue began to sway from side to side while looking upwards towards heaven, obviously suffering and praying for relief!

I asked how can I resist the evil in this world , how can I escape it?

The statue looked down at me with a vaporous face that now moved and spoke to me! This was my first supernatural demonic encounter.

I thought it was Mother Mary~~~ I knew the stories of her appearing at Fatima  and such places to others and now I felt a strange peace that she was speaking to me~!

She told me that if I really wanted to leave this world that I wouldnt go to hell if I repented before I died

She said that I could go home, if I was serious, take all the pills I had in hand and shut my door- to let no one know and to present myself as a sacrifice.

To do it right, I was to be certain not to tell a soul as it must be kept secret or I could go to hell…I was to take those pills and then paint a picture of Jesus as my repentence~~

If I focused on Jesus that I would go to heaven

I had to obey her words exactly however or my sacrifice wouldnt be accepted

I went home and baracaded my bedroom door and took all the pills and began to paint a picture of Jesus.

I soon became entranced [by the medications] and struggled to stay awake painting this picture of Jesus, knowing I had to make it perfect since it was a gift for God himself~!

It became harder to remain awake, but I knew I had to keep painting.

It was a small painting and the paint got thicker and thicker becoming raised off the little canvas…

I kept making corrections and building on that face…. with thorns and blood… I couldnt get that image out of my mind, but I wasnt going to disobey Mother Mary

I was going to keep my focus on Jesus…. Hours passed…about 7 -8 hours since I took all the pills and began the
painting…

[[ I found out later after the fact, that had I gone to sleep I would have died~!]]

I could barely keep my eyes open but the painting didnt look finished..

Then a smokey apparition appeared over the image

I blinked my eyes to clear my sight… it stared back at me and the thorns suddenly merged upwards, formed horns and the eyes popped out at me and the mouth showed its teeth and chomped them at me~~~
I freaked…

It turned into Satan!~ I must have failed!!!

I took a palette knife and immediately scraped all the layers of paint off and looked at the canvas and saw what looked like Jesus in the shroud of Turin~~ eyes closed and dead!!!!

I put it down and then went to sleep…It was dawn.

I awoke and felt that I failed to obey Mary and sought to get more pills to try it again and do it right.

I was convinced I was supposed to die. After a few more attempts, I gave up and decided to live since I didnt die when I should have… { Jesus spared me!}

[[[It wasnt til years later that I realized that the devil comes as
an angel of light and this was in fact a demon that was leading me to
my death…

It wasn’t Mary, but a demon using her form…

 Jesus however knew that I loved him since I was young and spared my life
that day …]]]

Anyway several months later, I once again became dissillusioned with living after having been raped and beaten and date raped and more I thought about that last attempt and felt I should try it over..

This time I took 150 pills with a qt of scotch and a 1/4 qt bottle of vodka..

Again I was alone, living in my own apt with a roommate. I even wrote out a ‘will’ and goodbye letter for my family.

I took it all and technically died.

[Several years later in hospital, the doctors  saw evidence of an earlier heart attack, although I had never been treated for any heart condition up til that point.]

 I laid alone 3 days since my roommate went away for the weekend after I took all the pills…

I even had had a heart attack and developed bleeding ulcers.

I laid in my own mess from Friday night til Monday morning.

When I arose and realized my roommate never came home over the weekend, I went to step outside to find out what day it was and to use my neighbors phone.

I was worried about my roommate failing to return home and asked my neighbors to call the police so I could fill out a missing persons report…

One look at me and they called an ambulance..

AS I tried to argue not to go into the hospital, my roommate turned the corner walking towards us.

It looked like she was 3 ft off the ground. I thought she was a ghost.

I passed out and woke en route to the hospital. I was admitted for 10 days.

This time while in the hospital, I began to think God may be alive afterall and apparently had some control over life and death.

After a few weeks of being in the hospital I was released and visited a priest to ask some questions like why didnt I die…

He told me after 3 hours of talking, that I was forgiven and to start going back to church…I told him about the last time I went to church and Mother Mary telling me to commit suicide. He had no answers for that.

He agreed through the entire story that it was ‘her’ appearing to me til I told him what she said to do~

Then he went pale and I left.He said she never would have done that.

I was starting to realize that there is a spirit world and it affects us all…

I didnt go back to that church, however as I didnt want any more of those encounters with the “Mary” I had met, whoever she was…

It took several months til my stomach healed enough to eat regular food again and then I also resumed drinking.

I did however believe that God was now alive.

I still didnt know why he lets babies die and that bothered me a long time.

My roommate had moved away meanwhile and we remained in contact. She moved back upstate to care for her father who was dying from cancer.

I went upstate to visit my old roommate and was amazed how she cared for her dad. She remained there til September when he died, then called me to visit and I went over to console her.All I could imagine was if that had been my dad and I felt aweful for her.

She wanted to go to some churches that werent Catholic and I reluctantly agreed and that is where I was eventually led to meeting Jesus and getting saved.

I still was haunted by what I percieved to be God’s lack of mercy in how some people died but was now looking for some answers and started to see that it was the devil causing all the evil,so I began praying that the devil would get saved and that everyone would then get saved if the devil stopped bugging people..[of course I was wrong, but naiive]

I soon learned in my Christian walk that it wasnt God’s fault about death but that the devil, not born in the flesh, could not get saved and that
the world was about to change when Jesus returned.

Anyway, I found from those encounters and more to come that no one has power over their day of death!

Those who are successful at committing suicide, just as with victims of accidents or  violence, that it is in fact their time to go.  Never give up hope in the mercy of God!

I also know that when someone is in the actual process of dying, that time stops for them and they enter a spiritual state that seems endless,

I was there, more than once and have read and heard of similar encounters of near death experiences others have had.

During this time, as I did, people do talk to spirits and some may be heading towards hell.

Others can and do accept Jesus and ask forgiveness.

Some, whose bodies are so damaged are permitted to die.

That doesnt mean they are judged for hell as God will have mercy on whom he will have mercy, just as readily we can believe a person
can jump in front of a train to save another and they themselves get killed as being ‘a savior’, we have less doubt that that person goes to hell…

I believe that the common conception that suicide equals hell is done more to try and prevent some from trying to commit it.

God is the judge not us and if we are to believe that a person, so totally in despair that they commit suicide would automatically go to hell for it, that we are by way of logical progression, accusing God of being unfair and uncaring that such a person suffered in life and death.

God is able to save to the uttermost those who come to him through Jesus.

Some peoples deaths serve to draw other people closer to God. Some people are just so hurt in life that it seems unrepairable and God calls them home to comfort them.

It is appointed unto man once to die, then the judgement … not my speculations as to where they will reside in eternity according to my perceptions.

I know that I trust our God who ultimately is Love and
whatever mercy we think we can fathom to extend to another human being is nothing compared to the mercy he extends to us all.

In the old testament, various acts by individuals were wrong in man’s eye but counted as righteous in God’s eye, like Rahab the harlot lying to save the spies…Her lie wasnt to protect herself but others and it was counted by God as ‘righteous’… yet we are told liars go
to hell…

So it is clear here that God makes exceptions under various circumstances as written in the bible.

I extend those exceptions, that I do not understand, back to the wisdom of God and know he always does what is right.

I wont allow the devil to pull a ‘hath not God said’ thing with me and make me think a person is going to hell for how they died…

Rather, they will go to hell for how they lived! It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living god.

I can honestly offer comfort to all who have lost loved ones, of the hope I have in Jesus and trust in my God that the suffering in life ends at death and that only those so notoriously evil will have to face God and his judgement,

however those who forn whatever reason, became so distraught with the pains suffered in this life are often actually rescued through their deaths by God and then again, some recover to live longer on earth, while to others he says “welcome home children”…

Yet it is our duty to reach out to the lonely and in despair to help them and guide them into more productive lives.

Likewise it is our privilege to offer comfort to those who lost loved ones including those who died apparently by their own hand.

GBU~!
Ave

Maintaining eye contact during critical care…and more..


The eyes are the window to the soul, I heard said. I believe it in some sense.

I used to do home health care for a while a couple of years out of COBU. I had this one lady I took care of whose cancer was rapidly spreading.

She had throat cancer. I was pregnant with my first daughter and moved in with her family to provide round the clock care. It was only supposed to be for 2 weeks as she was dying.

She choked several times a day and I would think she died and after a minute or so she’d gasp and lunge up at me!

It was terrifying but I felt God put me there to be with her as she died. I dont know why because she was so decrepid from the disease that after tending to her I would have to go to the bathroom and throw up!

The poor woman was only 48 lbs and 5 ft 1.. and 71 yrs old. Her son was a widower, wholost his wife to cancer a few years earlier. His foster son was 14 ADHD and Jewish.

I had to run the house. I just broke up with my fiance sicne he wanted me to get an abortion. I didnt want to go back to COBU as that would have made them think they were right about me all along as now I indeed had that reputation they falsely accused me of a few yrs earlier.I was living a condemned life!

I felt that even if I was going to hell for leaving Cobu and backsliding, that at least I could do some good, which is why I took this terrible job… I was deceived when leaving the COBU being told that I could not serve God apart from being in their BORG…

The devil is such a liar! I may have lived under self condemnation, but Jesus was with me all the time!It took me a while to get my bearings after being frred from the control of COBU.

The job was supposed to last up to 2 wks. A home health agency from the hospital sent me.

I never took care of a dying person before. I had to practice with an orange how to give injections. I was shown the medications chart and duties.

Every day , several times a day, she’d start gasping and choking violently and then pass out.Iwould think she died and a minute or so would pass and she’d bolt and gasp and start breathing again.

The look of terror on her face and my hopelessness to do anything about it prompted me to seek further help for her. Not all dying people want to die!

When she had one of these ‘fits’, it was as though someone held a pillow over her face suffocating her and then she’d revive only to wait for the next episode.

What a terrifying way to die!No one should have to suffer like this…

I asked her son if there was any way to do anything for her. I said the doctors have to have something they can do.

It wasnt the cancer although that caused her to be where she was at , it was her inability to keep breathing! Her son was at the end of his coping ability and said I could speak to her doctors for her.

She told me that she was 71 yrs old and had a friend who was 98. She said , “if” should could only breathe that she could handle the pain…She had this throat cancer for 10 yrs already.

At the doctors, I told them that she needed a trache. They initially refused saying it was only a matter of days so why put her throught it and that the proceedure itself could kill her. I argued that we should let the cancer kill her , not suffocation 10 times a day!!!
I called a few other hospitals and talked with three and the third hospital said to bring her in.

Her son said that even if she could get the trache that they couldnt afford the skilled nursing care she would require and so I made a vow that I would take care of her for the rest of her life if she had the trache. [
After a few days in critical care, the hospital staff taught me how to take care of her trache. She already had a gastostomy that I tube fed her through a long tube and she had a foley catheter in her bladder that I emptied several times a day. Her injections were alternated between meds every 2 hours around the clock.

She would sometimes ask for steak and her son would give it to her, but she couldnt eat it as she couildnt swallow anuything. She’d chew on it for flavor and spit it out.

Then I’d get a can of Ensure and slowly pour it through her tube to her stomach. She’d say when she burped that she hated its flavor. I asked if she could have anything other than that and was told there were no dietary restrictions except that she couldnt swallow, so anything that fit through the tube was aceptable.

I got a food processor and began creaming food for her much like woull be done for a baby. I would then dilute it with milk or water til it was thin enough to go through the feeing tube.When she burped she felt satisfied! Little things can mean alot when done out of compassion.~

I never did this type of stuff before, but she started getting stronger and gaining weight. Where as she was 48 lbs when I took the job she continued to gain weight til she was 78 lbs!

She was walking again and even tried cleaning the kitchen one day, lol as she was feeling more human again and could breathe… She also trusted me as I always looked her straight in the eye when speaking to her or taking care of her. I made it personal, at my own emotional expense, but she needed that, as her famiy was beginning to stay away from her room more and more.

Helping her get that trache was the right thing to do. It was now Christmas and she got through another year and was grateful. My pregnancy was progressing as well as I was due in March. I had no further contact with my baby’s father.

Her son and I became close as I cared for his mother and home and he proposed marrying me after she’d die, so I thought I would accept that offer later, but was preoccuppied with caring for his mother and home.

He was very depressed as one could imagine. Initially he was glad to see her getting better, but at the same time he was waiting for it to be all over. He got to where he couldn’t cope as New Years passed.

One night he tried to commit suicide. I was 7 mos pregnant and he was in his family room drinking Gin and holding a loaded 12 gauge shot gun! He had it standing between his legs with it pointed at his chin as he downed the Gin.

I tried to reason with him and get the gun away. We struggled a few tmes and fell over. One time the gun, with his finger on the trigger was aimed right at my belly!.. As he got more drunk and yet then I realized I couldnt stop him the way I was already trying.
Then I got mad! I told him off! I said ”Fine” if you want to kill yourself, but I have enough to do around this house without having to clean up your splattered blood!!!

And I dont want you to kill my baby!! Do you want to kill my baby??? … he said No

I told him then that IF he really wanted to kill himself to ‘GO OUTSIDE AND DO IT IN THE YARD’ , so I wouldn’t have to clean up the mess…as I knew I had to get him out of that basement do I could enlist help since he wouldnt let me use the phone.
He said Ok, still clutching the shotgun and left the basement… going outside…

I quickly called 911 and told them to hurry up as he had the loaded shotgun and wanted to kill himself. …Then I ran outside and continued talking to him til they arrove.

He was saying that he was going to point it at them to make them kill him and that would settle everything. He said I could keep the house and to just take care of Momma and the foster son…and the dogs…Trixie and Maxx…

AS the police pulled up and he began to stand..I grabbed hold of the shotgun and pulled it away from him
.

The police took him into custody and brought him to the hospital, but he was later released as they chalked it up to him being drunk and family stress with his mom’s condition.

The police held onto his firearms til he proved he wasnt going to use them to hurt himself or anyone else…Had I walked away from him in that basement that night two children would never have been born, so God wasnt finished with him yet either!

He began going to counselling a few nights a week. I talked with him about Jesus and the Cobu and he would say he believed but didnt have any interest in going to any churches, but we had bible conversations.

I began reading the bible to his mother while caring for her and telling her about salvation.

She had been living terrified for so long afraid of death that she fought valiently.

Then one day she had a coughing fit and her outer canula, the one that stays in the throat popped out. I had to call and ambulance and bring her to the ER . I was trained to handle the inner canula and to remove it to suction her lungs but not the outer one .She needed it replaced after coughing hers out, I brought her to the hospital and the ER doc was trying to put it in and she was freaking out.

As he tried to push it in he was making her throat bleed and she kept pushing him away and pointing to me and reaching for me. He was frustrated since the outer canula was one of the smallest but her troat was so tiny. He just wasnt trying to insert it while she was exhaling and so he couldnt get it in and she wouldnt let him.

I stood by at the end of the bed and she kept reaching for me, he looked up and asked if I knew how to do this.. and I said “yeah” so he let me and I went over , looked into her eyes and said ” Now breathe slowly and we can do this…” Then as she would exhale I started to slip it in gently and it went right in. She relaxed and it was done.

A month later I went into labor and had to stay with her til her son came home from work. I ws with her for 25 hours of my labor caring for her between my own contractions!

I went into the hospital and they induced me and 10 hours later I had my daughter. After a day of rest, I left her in the hospital and went back to work. My daughter had jaundice and had to stay in a couple of days. I brought her home when the hospital called.

Elizabeth, the lady I cared for was on alot of meds and mistook me for her daughter in law and thought my baby was her grandchild.

She was very happy to see a baby around the house. I was glad the pregnancy was over but it only increased my work load. I was taking care of her , a teenager with ADHD, a house , 2 dogs and a guy who was a basket case.

She lived til my baby was 3 1/2 mos old .

She wanted to see the cherry blossoms on the tree outside her bedroom window one more time. I sat by her side reading the bible to her and asked her every day if she wanted to pray but instead wanted me to pray for her.

Then one day she allowed me to pray with her a sinners prayer and acknowleded each part in agreement as she couldnt speak with the trache. She got saved and was at peace…

Her physical condition deteriorated more and she had to go back in the hospital, after the cherry blossoms bloomed.

I stayed by her side 24 hours but had to go home every so many hours to feed the baby and then would return to the hospital. My sisters came to babysit for me and care for the house and my foster son.

It was a little after noon on June 14th 1978 and I was praying with her and staring deeply into her eyes, as she clung to my hand and I reassured her that she was saved and that she could go in peace as Jesus was waiting for her on the other side.

I told her ‘it as okay’ to let go…as she so desperately struggled to hang on…She had over the passed month lost weight again as the cancer had spread to her stomach and could barely open her eyes. She fell asleep and I left.I told the nurses to call me immediately if anything happened.

They called me at 3pm. Her son was mowing the lawn. I told him it was ‘time’…
********************************************************************************

Some patients just are on so much meds that they are so easily disoriented and they calm down with a face they recognize. When I took care of cancer patients I always maintained total eye contact.They need that yet alot of nurses and doctors forget it. When you are stoned out on morphine, you get split second hallucinations and panic easily when eye contact isn’t maintained.
Somehow if they can focus on your eyes it gives them a sense of security.

Several years ago I was in the hospital after almost having my leg amputated from gangrene. I refused permission for the amputation so they debrided it. The poison however went through my entire blood stream and I was critically ill. I was in bad shape with the gangrene, I was terrified.

I was awake for about 48 hours at one point and thought if I went to sleep I would die. I had so many drugs in my system and the pain was hellish still,like musical notes that suddenly would get real loud.When OI would turn my head in a slight direction sometimes I felt like I was falling down the Grand Canyon or out of an exploding plane.

This one nurse was taking care of me and tried to talk to me to get some sleep and I told her that if I fell asleep I was going to die. I was on all the machines- the beeping was constantly changing ,as the infection went through my blood stream after the surgery –

I had a morphine drip along with Lorcets, Oxycotin and Phenergan and when they would clean out my debrided area they’d give me a booster of morphine before the proceedure which they did every 2 hours for 4 weeks!

Anyway, I was freaked and she just held my hand and looked into my eyes and told me ,”NOT ON M Y WATCH!!! YOU WILL NOT DIE!! I PROMISE!”….She maintained eye contact which brought me back from falling and I began to feel like I was back on the ground again.

Its when doctors or nurses dont maintain eye contact that you feel like ‘they cant look at me’ so I must be dying… and panic sets in. That nurse was so good I will never forget her compassionate face. I was able to sleep for a while that night.

She promised not to ignore my beeping machine if it alarmed while I was sleeping. I don’t even remember her name, but I will never forget her face!

GBU~!