If someone commits suicide, do they always go to hell???

Does everyone who commits suicide go to hell???
I look back to the sinner on the cross next to Jesus. His fate was
sealed, he was dying! He still was saved by Jesus…

I don’t condone suicide.Of course it is wrong, but what leads a person to commit it is as important as to why they commit it.

Whether they succeed [in killing themself]or are spared [failed suicide attempt] is another consideration.

God is the judge, not man as to where they go.Most forget that and pass judgements on those who commit suicide, usually erroneously damning them to hell, because we are told in the bible to not judge by the outward appearance but instead with right judgement… If we judged by appearance then that sinner on the cross alongside Jesus would have certainly gone to hell, but scripture tells us that Jesus promised him paradice. I rather believe Jesus over man…

When I was young, I have seriously tried it many times myself to be amazed that I woke up alive a few days later!!!

Many of the health issues I have today are results from past attempts,BUT I am hear to tell about it.

In fact before I was ‘saved’ by the grace of God, through Jesus sacrifice on the cross for my sins, I believed God was dead!! Now I know better.God is alive and well and coming to judge the living and the dead some day.

It was the early 70’s and the Viet Nam war was costing more and more lives, immorality was rampant,drugs everywhere….morals wre breaking down, ban the bra movement along with the hippie movement.. decadence was coming into power in our nation as values dissappeared.

At my job on Wall St., one day a black co worker named Jack Gaddy was on the phone and suddenly, screamed and fell to the floor crying inconsolably. He received the call no parent ever wants. His apt in Harlem had a fire and his two children aged 2 & 4 had burned to death.

My parents home burned down the Christmas before and I was able to save my brothers and sisters along with my older sisters help. I had nighmares however, wondering what it would have been like had we left one behind? We had 13 kids in the family back then and it could have
happened. Now this…

I went to the funeral.

2 babies burnt to death in an apt fire.

Other co-workers went as well and we were told we were there for support and reminded not to cry.

I stopped in a bar before entering the funeral home and downed a couple of scotches to help me keep control of my

The minister was very emotional and said ” No longer will these children have to face the hustle and bustle of NYC- no longer have to face the trials and tribulations of this world“…. [and on and on]

After the funeral, I downed some more scotch to keep brave as I had done before the funeral…

Seeing those little white caskets sealed with those tiny babies dead inside, I railed at God saying “How could you do such a thing?” as I heard echos in my mind of that poor mother and grandmother screaming inconsolably at the funeral,” OH GOD GIVE ME BACK MY BABIES, GIVE ME BACK MY BABIES!!” it still echoes in my mind today..

That could have been my mother crying…

That night I went home and decided to go to ‘mass’ as I was then a Catholic and light some candles.

I couldn’t shake the emotionalism of that black Baptist funeral in Harlem…Those words of the minister rang in my mind…I had never been to what I would have called a ‘Protestant Service’ , but 2 babies belonging to a co-worker were dead and it was all too heartbreaking.

I didnt want to face the hustle and bustle of NYC either!!!

I didnt want to live in such a rotten world with a ‘god’ that let little babies die, so horribly and felt if he didnt spare them what hope would I ever have???

I knew suicide was a pass straight to hell according to Catholic belief. I wasnt certain if it existed or if we were all already living in it..but didnt want to directly try it.

After the mass, I was up front in the church and lit some candles to a Mother Mary statue and was saying some prayers with tears in my eyes…

I stared at the statue when suddenly I actually saw a smokey like vapor take form around the head and a figure swaying all about the statue as it was trying to keep praying and avoiding this vaporish apparition

I became intrigued as this apparition took form and was  tormenting the praying statue of Mother Mary…I saw that with prayer she was withstanding this assault.

I blinked my eyes to clear them and yet the apparition remained moving about the statue as the statue began to sway from side to side while looking upwards towards heaven, obviously suffering and praying for relief!

I asked how can I resist the evil in this world , how can I escape it?

The statue looked down at me with a vaporous face that now moved and spoke to me! This was my first supernatural demonic encounter.

I thought it was Mother Mary~~~ I knew the stories of her appearing at Fatima  and such places to others and now I felt a strange peace that she was speaking to me~!

She told me that if I really wanted to leave this world that I wouldnt go to hell if I repented before I died

She said that I could go home, if I was serious, take all the pills I had in hand and shut my door- to let no one know and to present myself as a sacrifice.

To do it right, I was to be certain not to tell a soul as it must be kept secret or I could go to hell…I was to take those pills and then paint a picture of Jesus as my repentence~~

If I focused on Jesus that I would go to heaven

I had to obey her words exactly however or my sacrifice wouldnt be accepted

I went home and baracaded my bedroom door and took all the pills and began to paint a picture of Jesus.

I soon became entranced [by the medications] and struggled to stay awake painting this picture of Jesus, knowing I had to make it perfect since it was a gift for God himself~!

It became harder to remain awake, but I knew I had to keep painting.

It was a small painting and the paint got thicker and thicker becoming raised off the little canvas…

I kept making corrections and building on that face…. with thorns and blood… I couldnt get that image out of my mind, but I wasnt going to disobey Mother Mary

I was going to keep my focus on Jesus…. Hours passed…about 7 -8 hours since I took all the pills and began the

[[ I found out later after the fact, that had I gone to sleep I would have died~!]]

I could barely keep my eyes open but the painting didnt look finished..

Then a smokey apparition appeared over the image

I blinked my eyes to clear my sight… it stared back at me and the thorns suddenly merged upwards, formed horns and the eyes popped out at me and the mouth showed its teeth and chomped them at me~~~
I freaked…

It turned into Satan!~ I must have failed!!!

I took a palette knife and immediately scraped all the layers of paint off and looked at the canvas and saw what looked like Jesus in the shroud of Turin~~ eyes closed and dead!!!!

I put it down and then went to sleep…It was dawn.

I awoke and felt that I failed to obey Mary and sought to get more pills to try it again and do it right.

I was convinced I was supposed to die. After a few more attempts, I gave up and decided to live since I didnt die when I should have… { Jesus spared me!}

[[[It wasnt til years later that I realized that the devil comes as
an angel of light and this was in fact a demon that was leading me to
my death…

It wasn’t Mary, but a demon using her form…

 Jesus however knew that I loved him since I was young and spared my life
that day …]]]

Anyway several months later, I once again became dissillusioned with living after having been raped and beaten and date raped and more I thought about that last attempt and felt I should try it over..

This time I took 150 pills with a qt of scotch and a 1/4 qt bottle of vodka..

Again I was alone, living in my own apt with a roommate. I even wrote out a ‘will’ and goodbye letter for my family.

I took it all and technically died.

[Several years later in hospital, the doctors  saw evidence of an earlier heart attack, although I had never been treated for any heart condition up til that point.]

 I laid alone 3 days since my roommate went away for the weekend after I took all the pills…

I even had had a heart attack and developed bleeding ulcers.

I laid in my own mess from Friday night til Monday morning.

When I arose and realized my roommate never came home over the weekend, I went to step outside to find out what day it was and to use my neighbors phone.

I was worried about my roommate failing to return home and asked my neighbors to call the police so I could fill out a missing persons report…

One look at me and they called an ambulance..

AS I tried to argue not to go into the hospital, my roommate turned the corner walking towards us.

It looked like she was 3 ft off the ground. I thought she was a ghost.

I passed out and woke en route to the hospital. I was admitted for 10 days.

This time while in the hospital, I began to think God may be alive afterall and apparently had some control over life and death.

After a few weeks of being in the hospital I was released and visited a priest to ask some questions like why didnt I die…

He told me after 3 hours of talking, that I was forgiven and to start going back to church…I told him about the last time I went to church and Mother Mary telling me to commit suicide. He had no answers for that.

He agreed through the entire story that it was ‘her’ appearing to me til I told him what she said to do~

Then he went pale and I left.He said she never would have done that.

I was starting to realize that there is a spirit world and it affects us all…

I didnt go back to that church, however as I didnt want any more of those encounters with the “Mary” I had met, whoever she was…

It took several months til my stomach healed enough to eat regular food again and then I also resumed drinking.

I did however believe that God was now alive.

I still didnt know why he lets babies die and that bothered me a long time.

My roommate had moved away meanwhile and we remained in contact. She moved back upstate to care for her father who was dying from cancer.

I went upstate to visit my old roommate and was amazed how she cared for her dad. She remained there til September when he died, then called me to visit and I went over to console her.All I could imagine was if that had been my dad and I felt aweful for her.

She wanted to go to some churches that werent Catholic and I reluctantly agreed and that is where I was eventually led to meeting Jesus and getting saved.

I still was haunted by what I percieved to be God’s lack of mercy in how some people died but was now looking for some answers and started to see that it was the devil causing all the evil,so I began praying that the devil would get saved and that everyone would then get saved if the devil stopped bugging people..[of course I was wrong, but naiive]

I soon learned in my Christian walk that it wasnt God’s fault about death but that the devil, not born in the flesh, could not get saved and that
the world was about to change when Jesus returned.

Anyway, I found from those encounters and more to come that no one has power over their day of death!

Those who are successful at committing suicide, just as with victims of accidents or  violence, that it is in fact their time to go.  Never give up hope in the mercy of God!

I also know that when someone is in the actual process of dying, that time stops for them and they enter a spiritual state that seems endless,

I was there, more than once and have read and heard of similar encounters of near death experiences others have had.

During this time, as I did, people do talk to spirits and some may be heading towards hell.

Others can and do accept Jesus and ask forgiveness.

Some, whose bodies are so damaged are permitted to die.

That doesnt mean they are judged for hell as God will have mercy on whom he will have mercy, just as readily we can believe a person
can jump in front of a train to save another and they themselves get killed as being ‘a savior’, we have less doubt that that person goes to hell…

I believe that the common conception that suicide equals hell is done more to try and prevent some from trying to commit it.

God is the judge not us and if we are to believe that a person, so totally in despair that they commit suicide would automatically go to hell for it, that we are by way of logical progression, accusing God of being unfair and uncaring that such a person suffered in life and death.

God is able to save to the uttermost those who come to him through Jesus.

Some peoples deaths serve to draw other people closer to God. Some people are just so hurt in life that it seems unrepairable and God calls them home to comfort them.

It is appointed unto man once to die, then the judgement … not my speculations as to where they will reside in eternity according to my perceptions.

I know that I trust our God who ultimately is Love and
whatever mercy we think we can fathom to extend to another human being is nothing compared to the mercy he extends to us all.

In the old testament, various acts by individuals were wrong in man’s eye but counted as righteous in God’s eye, like Rahab the harlot lying to save the spies…Her lie wasnt to protect herself but others and it was counted by God as ‘righteous’… yet we are told liars go
to hell…

So it is clear here that God makes exceptions under various circumstances as written in the bible.

I extend those exceptions, that I do not understand, back to the wisdom of God and know he always does what is right.

I wont allow the devil to pull a ‘hath not God said’ thing with me and make me think a person is going to hell for how they died…

Rather, they will go to hell for how they lived! It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living god.

I can honestly offer comfort to all who have lost loved ones, of the hope I have in Jesus and trust in my God that the suffering in life ends at death and that only those so notoriously evil will have to face God and his judgement,

however those who forn whatever reason, became so distraught with the pains suffered in this life are often actually rescued through their deaths by God and then again, some recover to live longer on earth, while to others he says “welcome home children”…

Yet it is our duty to reach out to the lonely and in despair to help them and guide them into more productive lives.

Likewise it is our privilege to offer comfort to those who lost loved ones including those who died apparently by their own hand.



6 thoughts on “If someone commits suicide, do they always go to hell???

  1. Our God cannot be reduced to simple formulas like suicide=hell. He sees deep into the heart of each man and woman and He will judge with mercy.
    Ave – I’m glad you’re still with us. Hang in there! And yes – ‘it is our duty to reach out to the lonely and in despair to help them and guide them into more productive lives. Likewise it is our privilege to offer comfort to those who lost loved ones including those who died apparently by their own hand.’ Well said!

  2. Ave, I would like to thank you for sharing this story. I dont see how any man can take 150 pills at a time and live to tell the tale, but, as i’ve heard before, Through God All Things Are Possible, and i believe this is a perfect example of it. I couldn’t agree with you more, and i would like to let you know that this story has really helped me and it gives me hope that God is still very present in this world.
    -Thank You

  3. Hello

    I am very much in despair. My husband had a stem cell transplant in July 2005 and has had a lot of complications, pain and suffering since then. My husband was the type of man to not tell me things so I didn’t worry. I am now finding out that my husband must have been depressed as on Nov 4/08 my loving dear sweet husband committed suicide after a “tiny” argument we had. He died of carbon monoxide poisoning and was found in his car with an empty small bottle of vodka and empty bottle of percocets. I believe there was 130 pills in the bottle. He taped up his windows and ran a tube into the car and he was found the next morning with a picture of our 13 year old son and myself along with our dog. When the police came to tell me of my husbands death I though for sure they were going to charge me with my husbands murder only because we argued and I felt really responsible. The corner told me that this kind of suicide isn’t thought of instantly, that a person plans this and has thought about it many times before. This bothers me because I had no idea my husband was depressed. The Doctor even cried feeling responsible because she didn’t see it. She wished he had of been honest and he would of got the help. God there is no one on this earth that will ever convince me that I am not responsible for my husband’s death. I just feel that if we hadn’t had the argument he would still be here. My 13 year old son is so sad and we cry a lot. We have been seeing counselors, but have no support, no family to lean on. In the beginning a month ago I was thinking how could anyone have the nerve to do that to themselves. Now I can tell you that I have thought boy it would be easy to check out. I have a beautiful boy and I can’t leave him. I will do whatever it takes to get through this hard time, Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. I can’t believe that 40 days have gone by already and I get up everyday and do what I am suppose to do. I can’t tell you how deeply hurt and sad and in despair I am. I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel but everybody promises me that we will get through this. In 2002 my mom died and I took her death as very spiritual as I seen her take her last breath. At that time I believe her spirit was with me and I was very much in love with God but I am having great difficulty believing my husband’s spirit is with me and that God even exists. I don’t feel anything but pain and loneliness and despair. They say for people to take their life when they are in emotional or physical pain it is hard for them to carry on and easy for them to end their life and hard for the ones left behind. I can’t help to want to be selfish and say that I want him back but I know then that would be easy on us and hard on him. God I miss him. I don’t know how I am going to get through this and be without him. The only thing that keeps me going and getting out of bed is my son. I can’t stand the despair I am in and I can’t wait till enough time passes by so it is easier to get through the days. To anyone reading this, if you are depressed and you don’t see any other way, please take to someone first before you do anything. The pain for the ones you leave behind is horrendous.

    • Dear Jodi~There was a time when I blamed God for my losses – a fiance that left after a great evening together and went home and took a shotgun and blew his head off, when I was young. I never saw it coming and wondered if it was some accident but it was ruled a suicide.There was no way for me to have known what impulse possessed him to do such a thing as he laid on life support only to have his organs donated to others and later be cremated.
      Another time I had a miscarriage and again blamed God.I have had a total of 7 miscarriages.The last being the worst, but between all those times, I found peace with God that got me through it all as I learned through life that we go through some terrible things but it doesn’t mean God isnt there or that He doesnt care.
      From birth onward we struggle and each of us has our own pain and triumphs to go through, although I think some of us have more pain than others.
      Our minds are complexes receivers of thought and capable of considering those thoughts and it affects what we do every day as we make choices, right or wrong.
      Our emotions are controlled or not controlled by our thoughts as we decide how we are going to handle each day. Our emotions make us vulnerable to many good and to many bad ideas.My emotions used to let me get into very deep depressions that would lead me to want to commit suicide and I never let on to anyone that it was even a consideration.Why God spared me on those numerous attempts is only by His mercy I am even here today.
      Your husband argued with you deliberately.Since he was already planning his suicide, he already was distraught and depressed, so he would have hidden his plans as he convinced himself it was the only sensible remedy for him.[not that it was but his ‘state of mind’ was already altered] In his mind at the time, if he left with you ‘mad’ at him, he would have felt it would lessen your pain when he was gone [ not realizing or capable of realizing how much it would instead hurt you and your son] As much as you would like to do an instant replay and save him, even though you are already told it isnt your fault [ and it isnt] you are in grief and caught up in the what if’s since your life is now forever changed by his actions.
      Our thoughts and emotions are manipulated by the spiritual world that we dont see or understand.How can we? On our own we can’t.Seems the only solid truth in life is that we are born, live a specified amount of time and we then die. People seek answers in many ways and try to get a grip on things and find coping mechanisms.Without understanding the spiritual world and how it affects mankind we are often left at a loss and the lack of answers or understanding leads to becoming overwhelmed with thoughts that are depressing, dispairing, painful and often lead to hopelessness, which then makes us even more vulnerable to actions such as suicide, which become a convenient remedy to end our confusion or struggles.It is believing a lie that death is the best choice and a person loses heart and embraces the idea of being able to control how they end their life.It makes them feel that they have gained the only control available to them and so they shut down and dont seek help since they dont want to be out of control, rather in control and so they control how they commit suicide.Most are well planned out because once you decide that is what you think you want to do, you protect the idea so you can carry it out.You get some things in order , the things important to you not realizing how distorted your thinking has become. It is like drinking alot of wine, your judgement is impaired.You dont really think of how you are hurting others but convince yourself that your death will be best for them as well.In your attempts to spare them pain, you might run away or break up or stage a fight, which seems reasonable at the time to you as you become more despondent.
      I have been down that road numerous times until I learned something that changed my life forever.The battle to live or die takes place in the mind.That is our battleground~ for each one of us.
      When I would get overly depressed to the point of wanting to die, my mind would flood with thoughts that would support the idea of dying and even get me to a point that I would convince myself that it would be selfish of me to continue living as I wasnt what I wanted to be for others and therefore failing them and not worthy of living.I’d get floods of guilt that made me ashamed of living and that I deserved to die and that the sooner I would do it the better off everyone would be without me.
      Even the times when I would awake for unconsciousness after an attempt, I would feel guilty for living and start planning another attempt.

      There were times, one in particular that I was found 3 days later after taking over 150 pills and a quart of scotch and a partial bottle of vodka.I had had a heart attack during that attempt and was totally alone on the floor of my apartment.There is no human reason why I should have revived 3 days later, but spent the next few weeks in the hospital.I felt like a failure then as I failed to die successfully.I felt so sick from the attempt that I wanted to die just for how sick I felt.

      I was sent to a psyche ward for analysis, but as each day passed and I regained strength I started to wonder about why I didnt die since they said I took enough to kill 5 people and that I had had a heart attack while I was alone and unconscious.It made me realize that I wasnt totally in control over my life or death , but only partially in control.Something else determined whether I would have lived or died, not me.

      I felt at that point that maybe there was a God afterall and if there was that maybe He wasnt dead as so many signs I had seen spray painted on walls in graffitti.I started to ask questions since I pondered that IF God existed and was in control, then why did He let me live? When I left the hospital a few weeks later I went to see a priest but after a 3 hour talk I knew he didnt have the answers I needed, but I realized then that just because he was a priest and I was at a church that it didnt have exclusive dibs on what God wants or doesnt want or that they necessarily had the answer since this priest obviously didnt have the answer or knew enough about God to explain it to me.

      That was a downer since by this point I was starting to believe there had to be a God since life and death is so permanent and so many people die that seem like they shouldnt while others live that should have died. For me at that point the damage done by my suicide attempt left me with a damaged heart and bleeding ulcers.There was no way I could stomach another overdose and I was feeling like I wasnt allowed to die and that any further attempt would only make me feel sicker and that I would fail and live.My depression was the same, I just went through the daily motions of going to work and yet felt empty.Soon after I met and started dating again but there was still something missing, but at least I was becoming more active. I didnt go to any shrinks as none of them had any answers when I was in the hospital so I didnt want to waste time on suppositions and patronizing comments.

      I muddled through and was existing.Several months later a friend who had moved upstate contacted me as she was down as her dad was dying of cancer and she was taking care of him as her mom was a wreck.It surprised me that she was able to do it as she was and is still a rather narcissistic person.I took the bus trip up to see her and was surprised at how well she cared for her dad since he had a trache and needed shots and oxygen. She learned to do it all for him. Something was different about her .She was getting religious – the last person I ever would have thought could get that way. I remained for a week or so and then headed back to the city. We remained in contact. it was during the time of her dad’s illness that again I was wondering how God fit into it all and how He could comfort her family while they knew that their dad was going to die. It was strange to me that I felt more upset about her dad than she seemed to be. She was holding it all together with some strength I never saw in her before. She said it was coming from God but that she didnt understand it either and wanted to start checking out churches when it was all over.

      A few months later, she called. He had passed away and she wanted to come back to NYC and asked if she could stay with me til she got her own place and a job. When she came I was preparing myself to want to give comfort as all I could imagine is how I would have felt had it been my dad and told her that I would go anywhere with her that she wanted. She wanted to go to church, but not the one I grew up in. I felt wierd about it since I was taught it was sinful to go to a protestant church[ I was raised Catholic] but for her sake, I went with her, not planning on participating but just to be there for moral support.I hadnt seen her cry over her dad so I was thinking she’d go to some church, break down, cry and get it out of her system and that I wanted to be there for her so she wouldnt get any crazy ideas like suicide.At least that was what I told myself.

      We started going to night services of different churches that were listed in the phone book in NYC to explore ways to get to know God, at least that was what she said she wanted to do. It was all foreign to me. I felt that if a priest didnt have any answers, how would a protestant? So I would go with her but often closed my eyes like I was praying and nod out til it was over.After an evening service we would then take a stroll around Greenwich Village and hang out and get a few drinks then go back to Staten Island to my apartment.

      One night we went to a church on a side street in Manhattan that was in a basement! I had already had a few drinks, so I when we went in, there was a lady preacher from Africa. I never saw or heard a lady preacher before but to me felt it was just ‘wrong’ so I did my usual, trying to nod out looking like I was thinking or praying.I mean this church had a neon sign out front in a shape of a cross saying ‘Jesus saves’.. to me was probably just some scam.

      All of the sudden I snapped when I heard this woman speak as though she was speaking directly to me. It wasnt nice~ It was horrible! It was outrageous~ I stood up and ran out and was furious. I felt betrayed and embarrassed. I thought my friend was trying to pull something over on me as she knew I was seeking answers about God but had already decided the answer wasnt in churches, especially protestant ones.

      I remember that when that woman spoke, I opened my eyes as my face burned red with embarrassment, which prompted me to flee immediately. I thought to myself, ‘how could she do that to me? I was trying to help her and she did that to me~!?”… She left the meeting and came outside and asked me what was wrong and I blasted her~I asked her ‘why’ she set me up and how dare she tell anyone my personal business~!
      She insisted she hadnt and that she never even met that lady preacher and that what the woman said was from the Bible and not about me. I didnt believe her. I said nothing like that could be in the Bible or there would be no hope for anyone alive! I said if that was the case then everyone was going to hell and no wonder my parents told me to never go to a protestant church! She said it was all in the Bible but she didnt know where it was but that it was there. I told her that a priest tried pulling the same thing on me about saying purgatory was in the Bible but he too didnt know where..I said God couldnt be like that as He was forcing me to live so that there had to be a reason~!

      We went to Greenich Village and as we walked around we came across a Christian Bookstore called the Lost Coin and she walked in. I was outside smoking but it was cold out and so I walked in. I never was in a place like that where you could look at and read from books that were for sale and there were tables and chairs to sit at. A woman approached me and asked me to put my cigarette out and if she could help me to find something. I felt stupid as I was only in there til my friend was done with whatever she was up to.

      The lady was really nice so to make conversation, I asked her if she knew where certain verses were that were supposed to be in the bible and she asked me which one I wanted to find. I hadnt a clue about how touse a bible or find a verse since the book was so thick and I had read many books but never could find an exact quote.Sje asked me what the quote was and so I told her what I had heard from that lady preacher~ ” Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind,Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God” I remembered almost every word since it burned into me when I had heard it. I was sure it couldnt be in the Bible.

      She picked up a Bible and flipped it open to the exact page and read the entire verse to me~! It hit me hard again… I took the book from her hand and went to read it for myself. I said to the woman, ‘then what is the point? no one is going to heaven anyway!’…She told me to ‘read on’. The next verse said~
      And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God.
      1Cr 6:12 All things are lawful unto me, but all things are not expedient: all things are lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any.
      1Cr 6:13 Meats for the belly, and the belly for meats: but God shall destroy both it and them. Now the body [is] not for fornication, but for the Lord; and the Lord for the body.
      1Cr 6:14 And God hath both raised up the Lord, and will also raise up us by his own power.
      I then asked what washing meant? Was it baptism? She said ‘sort of’. I said then well I am covered as I was baptised as a baby since I was Catholic~! I asked what Bible she read to me from and she said King James.. I said I wanted to see a Catholic Bible and when she showed it to me it said the same thing with only a few words a little differently put. I bought it so I could learn more. I never heard of such things in church growing up and this started my journey of discovering God and what He wants from my life and why He made me in the first place.

      The next weekend I went to a church on Staten Island , a pentecostal one with my friend and she answered an alter call after the service that freaked me out.All these people were praying for and with her and she was crying. They were blathering words that made no sense and it scared me as I saw no cross in the church and thought maybe it was satanic or something, so I ran up front and pulled the people off her and told them to leave her alone as she just lost her dad. She opened her tearfilled eyes and told me she was okay and they were helping her so I backed off.She was getting something but I didnt know what. I felt stupid for interfering as I thought I was only trying to save her from emotional damage.

      The following Friday we went back to the Lost Coin and spoke with the 2 women that had been helping us, the one who had shown me the verse in the Bible and the one who had been speaking to my friend.They had these little handouts there with artwork and little stories about people finding God in their lives and they were only $.02 cents each so I bought a handful and walked outside for a cigarette, crossing the street as to not cause smoke to go into their place. I over heard a man and woman talking about going inside to a Psychic shop that was in front of me and as they deliberated as to whether or not they should go in, I butted in and gave them a tract and told them if they were looking for answers they might find them across the street in the Lost Coin as they had given me answers I sought only a week earlier. The took the tract and went across the street. I didnt know it at the time but that is considered witnessing.

      A week later we went to another church that the 2nd lady invited us to that was on Staten Island as they were having a water baptism. I went only out of curiosity and had no intentions on letting any of it change my religion, but was still seeking answers .

      I heard each person that was getting baptized tell their story and initially I was making fun of them but before the end of the service I was fighting back tears as I realized they had something that I wanted, peace with God, purpose and direction in their lives.
      I was asked if I wanted to go up for prayer but I declined. I thought that if I was going to ‘do this’ and seek answers from a protestant church, that I better go back to the one where we were last week since I had interrupted their prayer session and felt I owed it to them to be the ones to pray for me to get right with God.

      That was a scarey long week. I was afraid that since I was now deciding to want to get right with God that the devil was probably going to kill me before I could do it.I felt paranoid and things started to happen. All of the sudden I had 3 requests for dates from 3 different guys I liked and each wanted to party with me. I was hearing that verse in my head ..” Know ye not that…” and so I turned each date down, knowing they would get me into trouble.

      When we went back that Sunday night and those people were surprised to see me after the commotion I caused earlier but were glad to hear that I came to the point that I wanted to get to know why God made me and that I wanted to find out my purpose in His plans, starting with making a commitment or vow to stop ‘sinning’ and to learn about Him and asking Him into my heart to save me. I admitted I didnt really know what I was going to do as I couldnt become a protestant as I was Catholic and that I was using a Catholic Bible .They said I didnt have to join their church but could come any time I wanted to.I started to go there on Sunday mornings and to the other church where the baptism was held on Sunday nights. That was a drastic change for me as I was always into partying before that.

      Suddenly more and more old boyfriends were showing up to ask me out and for the time being I turned everyone down. I didnt want to get dirty again as I felt clean after praying with those people at the church. I worked in Manhattan so I couldnt make it in time for the Wednesday night meetings but went to church every Sunday after that for about 3 months.

      I was doing some kitchen renovation in my apt.,moving a cabinet off a wall when I dislocated my shoulder. I had to stop working as I was a typist and couldnt work one handed. I needed money and felt I was a new person so I thought I could go back to bar tending to make some quick cash and that since I read in the Bible that Jesus drank I saw no wrong in it other than I had to resist going out on dates and to not drink as much as I used to.

      Within a few weeks when leaving work, I was attacked as well as robbed and left for dead. It made me think I wasnt saved and that God didnt care so I stopped going tro church and counted myself as lost, which brought my depression back again.

      Several months later on TV was a Billy Graham special in which he asked if the devil deceived anyone into thinking that God doesnt care about them and as he spoke I felt a renewed hope in God and went back to church the following Sunday.

      Well its been many years and there have been alot of ups and downs, but what has gotten me through it all is that I learned to trust in Jesus and never doubt his care for me. It hasnt made me religious or even a regular churchgoer but it has helped me to believe and often deal with the thoughts that used to lead me to suicide and depression. I realized that we are constantly being caught up with ideas that can lead us into situations that are both good and bad. The bad ones are not always initially our own ideas rather they pop into our head and then we think about them and then they become part of what we are feeling.

      These same spirits lead people to suicide and many other negative behaviours. These come like they are our own idea, but trhe bible tells us that they can speak to us in out own language – evil that is- and can deceive or delude us into all sorts of things.
      The Bible tells us to take every thought captive and to test the spirits and see where they are coming from and that Jesus is the standard by how we should live so I learned more about Him and applying His example to my life which has helped me to recognize these thoughts for what they are and how to reject them and not fall victim to them any more.It has been a long intimate process with God but now even after 7 miscarriages and poor health, I know it isnt God’s fault, as He was willing to save me and protects me while I go through all sorts of trials, He always gets me through it and He will get you through it to.

      My biggest concern is that without having Jesus as your standard and the Holy Spirit to guide you into all Truth it can be hard to recognize these negative thoughts for what they are and then easy to fall prey to them as your husband did. It seems they are on to assaulting you with thoughts of guilt and despair and they reinforce those feelings with more and without Jesus and receiving the Holy Spirit and reading the bible looking for direction, I dont think I could have made it as far as I have now.

      When I lost my last baby, as devastating as it was, I found comfort in knowing that God is in control and that we are in a spiritual war that death itself isnt always a defeat for us but can be a triumph as there is more life after the life we know now.

      WE each have something special to accomplish in this life and our days are numbered and have a purpose, so that when we go, we can be assured God has our best eternal interest at heart and his plans for us are good and not evil so we need to trust Him all the more when things seem the hardest and hurt the most.

      I hope and pray you find peace and relief soon, as this holiday season has more spiritual stuff going on and many more people seem depressed the is time of year than at other times.Turn to Jesus and ask Him for answers and direction from the Holy Spirit. He will answer you and can help.

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