This is long but I want you to read it all…WE each compare our abusers and think the others abuser is always worse than our abuser , while we are still not convinced to end our abusive relationships..
We look for help that we filter into two parts of our thinking in order to justify whichever path we choose, to stay with him or leave him or to take a break and let him back later on.. The road is twisted and winding and we each have alot of baggage to drag along and sometimes forget which road we are on or if we are coming or going.. .since after all we are under the spell of our abuser…..
The more I saw the ‘signs’ in mine[abuser], and heard the advice from others to ‘get out’ ..
I refused to believe and thought if I can love/believe enough that it will get better; and try harder that I can make it all work and no matter how bad it got I just kept trying ove rand over and over and over and over….I then would get tired after several years at a clip and leave but so miss him that I would delude myself futher into thinking it wasnt as bad as I thought or said it was..
I would then polish my memory[revisionist history,coverups etc] to make it seem like I looked at it all wrong and then even would blame myself for whatever happened and then he somehow had a sixth sense and he would suddenly show up when I was again vulnerable and we would start over and over and over and over..
He’d make his promises and promises and promises… He was the same, he never kept any promises..I’d hear a whole repetoire of excuses, old and new and would have a series of behaviors I could choose to respond to…. violence was one…..and when that door closed as I sought legal help I was still willing to accept him and be with him as long as he didnt physically hurt me anymore or get drunk as he used to…. Instead he was logical, methodical and verbally assailing.
So his game plan changed. He started more working more on my mind and environment, making himself indespensible… starting a bejillion projects that only he could finish… but never did.. ran me into financial ruin… again and again and again…would allow me time to bounce back and even ‘act repentent’ at times when he’d return from any absence, short o long and sheepishly worm his way in and even let me think I was in control…for a time and then start tearing my life apart again and again and again….
He switched gears as the kids got older.. would act normal to me and ‘pretend to be teaching’ them things a father needs to teach and effectively pitted one against the other traingulating and dissecting the family into allies and foes that often traded hats as his mood changed or if he was losing ground with one source and bouncing to the next gaining renewed strength through one child over another or all against me and so on, taking turns and keeping us all off guard.
I did this dance for over 26 years and my feet hurt!!! I may never dance again!! I finally got off his merry-go-round/dance and am free for 5 yrs now…
Regrets??? That I didnt stop the dance/or ride 26 yrs ago when everyone warned me and the sick part is that I opposed myself in order to be with him…
I went against my own better judgement every time in the bizarre hopes that ‘this time will be different’… I was addicted to him like an alcoholic is to cheap wine! I found every excuse I could to remain in the situation….
In the end, he wasnt satisfied anymore and there were no things that pleased him any more.
My health deteriorated mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually- the lemon was squeezed dry!! All I looked forward to was death to free me from his malicious grasp.. thinking I hadn’t the strength left to bother breaking away as I saw no future beyond him…
It took me a total of 14 yrs to break away[people sometimes serve less time for murder!]…back and forth…divorce initiation, put on hold in the hopes he would change .. living apart for 7 years but he still came back almost daily to walk to and fro and take whatever amused him for the moment, even to just taunt and torment me..
The only ‘energy source’ he had left to feed off me was my will to live and he was slowly draining that out bit by bit….I knew it and let it happen. I went down the pit of the well to the bottom with him..
I still lied to myself and thought that once we hit bottom that there was no way to go but up and that he owed me so much in every way at that point that to let him go would mean I would get nothing in return. That also made me hang on longer.
When I was at the bottom I even had to help him seek a new energy source! [ a new wife]
I had gone as far as ‘the divorce’, yet he didnt acknowledge it for 2 more yrs telling me that he ‘owned me’ and since I had no outside help as I burned my own bridges as I went through this macabre dance to win his love which never existed!
It finally came that to have nothing was more than I had with him.
Nothing started to look good…
I then worked my way into helping him finish his destruction of me, so he had to move on to a new energy source and finally I was free. He met a woman online that didnt want a husband as we would think, but a man to be her dependent as she is in the military and gets paid extra to have a dependent, so a money deal was born and he naturally jumped at the chance and is finally gone.[Ironically, she was more like him than he thought and she now controls him!]
Starting over with nothing, I was in deep depression for a time lingering at the bottom of the pit of the well… and so one day started to crawl one step at a time til I was able to crawl out of that well and see the light….I was weak worn out and old but I was finally free…
It wasnt as comforting as I had dreamed it would be as I was fightened alone and ruined.. but then I looked to serve others doing volunteer jobs and getting out into the world again, as I was used to serving him and they took less from me than he did so I learned to float on top of the waters for a time as I looked for dry land and reached the shores.. From then on it was baby steps in getting my life back..I found that I could start over and did.
It has taken me 5 yrs and I am emotionally, spiritually and mentally well again and can recognize evil now when I see it and flee! I don’t surrender my soul to anyone on earth anymore.
Physically I am still disabled but gaining ground and starting to live again. I am surviving and doing well for the most part. I am at peace and doing things that I like and was deprived of all the years I was with him. Life is brighter and meaningful. I have a good relationship with God and my children, who are now grown and on their own with their own families.
I lived through hell on earth and have no one else to blame… I let him abuse me and use me .. looking back I could have gotten out many times before but Iwas too fearful .
Had I not been so fearful of being alone when I was younger and more attractive and had a chance of meeting someone who could have loved me, I waited it out and will probably remain alone for the rest of my life…
I am here to share my story with you to consider rather than to tell you what you should do, since I lived perhaps 5 different lives with this man and true, I survived it all [barely] and can empathize with anyone like yourself, who is on that same path I once was on.
I know I can’t tell you to run and dont look back, because that might give you the strength to stay a while longer with your abuser and I dont want to offer anything that would enable you to convince yourself that ‘your’s isnt that bad or wouldnt go that far with you and enable you to continue in your delusion as it is your delusion. I wouldnt do that to you!
You say you want help but deep inside you want a reason to stay with him and change him so you can get back what you lost.
YOU STILL WANT HIM, EVEN NOW.
You will never get back from him what he already took from your soul.
You have to take back your soul and go through the emptiness and find new things to fill it with, not things you continue to let him steal away.
You have to break free and face your own addiction to him and break free from that.
That is the hardest part since it remains in present tense always.It feels easier to focus on blaming him for things and wanting to talk about possibly setting yourself free, but there is a part in you [in us all] that longs for him to love you still and make it all right , to make the suffering have a purpose and a reward.
There are no rewards in staying with him or letting him back into the drivers seat of your life! There is only cutting your losses and burying the relationship. It never was alive anyway.
You are in love with a dead man, one incapable of doing anything good or wholesome that will help you to improve as a human being, but further infecting your life with pain.
So you can choose to stay on that macabre merry-go -round and keep missing that golden ring forever , or get off and find a different ride….
You can waste your life, spend your youth [ you will never again be any younger than you are today] and you can hide away from those who see it happening to you, isolate yourself from friends and family and resources, you can surrender whatever identity and self respect may still be tucked inside of you and lie to yourself and stay with him, OR YOU CAN GET OFF THE BUS AND START A NEW LIFE!! It wont be easy, but it wont be as hard as continuing to let him drain your life out of you~like a vampire.
It will take time, you will feel empty, lonely and disoriented for a time, BUT that is only temporary and you will rise again at your own pace and you can live again in peace, contentment, accomplishment and even meet a new love when you finish unloading the baggage he injected like formaldehyde into your heart.
You can do a whole lot better if you choose this day to free yourself and stop listening to those thoughts that roam in your head about staying with him any longer. Fight the impulses and set yourself free!
I didnt take back my freedom until there was nothing left. I regret that I didnt, but I am glad I finally did get free.
I am still a Christian and still love God.. for years my excuse in staying with him was that bible verse about God hating divorce… a strong excuse.. as I also had to overcome separating myself with him as being equal in my mind to separating from God… It wasnt!
WE are called to peace and God doesnt want anyone living like this either, so I dont know what your beliefs are and am not saying they have to be like mine, there are other people here that have the same experience outside of religious beliefs and still come to the same conclusion!~
So ‘good luck’ and I hope you find and give yourself what will make you happy instead of settling for less…and less and less and less… til you are gone.
For me, it was the grace of God that picked me up and set my feet on that dry ground and it was renewing my devotion to God by the indwelling of the Holy Spirit that opened my eyes to see what it was I had allowed myself to live in and as all these years.
I know now that today is the first day of the BEST of my life and embrace each day in freedom as a gift from God and now Jesus is first in my life and protects me from men that abuse and keeps me safe.
I am back to doing my artwork again and even set up a little website that perhaps I can develop into a business one day, for now I am posting my art there in prints and notecards, to share them with others. My website is www.AveHurley.etsy.com and my healing has been in part due to my keeping busy with an activity, my art and my faith, my volunteerism, my family.My life has alot of blessings that keep me going stronger every day.
So set yourself free, find something youa re good at and do it. Your life will be more fulfilling and happy if you do!